Bright and ShinyAgain
by MerDerAlways
Summary: Set after 4.11, Meredith is forced to take time off work after Derek goes on a date with Rose. What happens when Meredith comes back bright and shiny again? What will Derek do when he sees the woman he fell in love with is back? MERDER
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

"What are you three standing around for?" shouted Bailey to Izzie, Cristina and George who were huddled around a phone at the nurses station.

"Shut up!" snapped Cristina listening intently to the phone.

"Oh you did not just…" Bailey started to rant then she saw look on their face. "What's going on?" she demanded.

"There's uh…been a car accident," stuttered George. "It's Alex and Meredith."

-----------------------------------------

"Chief," said Bailey unusually softly. Richard was in a meeting with the Attendings about departmental rotations.

"Is everything alright?" asked Richard worriedly.

"There's been an accident, Alex Karev and Meredith Grey were involved in a collision on a the freeway."

"Are they alright?" asked Richard already knowing the answer.

"Karev escaped with minor injuries, a few stitches and some bruises," said Bailey. "But Grey was hit head on."

"Are they coming in? I'll prep the OR," said Richard springing to his feet and grabbing his phone.

"There was no time, she was rushed into surgery at Seattle prespiterian for severe internal injuries," said Bailey clearly upset but trying not to show it. "At last count, she had coded twice. I just thought you would want to know."

"Oh my god," whispered Mark watching Derek carefully for his reaction. Derek and Meredith had only broken up a few hours ago, she had gone off with Alex when she had seen him leaving with Rose.

"Where are her friends? Cristina?" demanded Derek getting to his feet.

"On their way to Seattle presperterian, I sent Lexie Grey with them," said Bailey.

"Good," said Richard still in shock. "I'll call the Chief of Surgery and let him know they have one of ours on their table."

"I'll head right over," said Derek heading for the door.

"They won't let you in," said Bailey. "Lexie Grey has overall say in what goes on while Meredith is unconscious and…it's been made pretty clear that you are not welcome. I'm sorry."

"I…should have expected that," sighed Derek. "Who is the neurosurgeon operating?"

"Patterson," said Bailey.

"She's an amazing neurosurgeon," said Erica. "I worked with her a lot, Grey is in safe hands."

"She'll be alright man," said Mark.

"Yeah," said Derek. "Keep us updated?" he said feeling like he could cry.

"Of course," said Bailey gently. "When I know something you'll know something."

"Thanks," said Derek all but running from the Chief's office.

-------------------------------------------

"Here is where you're hiding," said Mark when he found Derek crouched under the stairwell with his head in his hands.

"I just…can't go out there," he sighed. "Everyone saw what happened today…Do you think she…she wouldn't…"

"Grey's tox screen was negative…the other driver was talking on his cell phone," said Mark. "It was an accident… she didn't do anything."

"You've heard from them?"

"Yeah, Meredith is out of surgery and it was very successful," said Mark. "She's out of the woods."

"Is she awake?"

"Not yet, she's just out of surgery."

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6 WEEKS LATER

"Grey what the hell do you think you're doing?" demanded Alex. He had just finished his shift at Seattle Grace and had gone to visit Meredith at Seattle Prespiterian and found her dressed and packing her bag.

"I'm getting out of here," said Meredith. "I'm going insane in here, besides I'm fine."

"How was your CT?" he demanded. Ever since Alex had pulled an unconscious Meredith from the car wreck he had become more like a protective big brother than the Alex she had known for the past year.

"Clean," she said. "Come on Alex I'm going insane here. I'm alright, I'll be cleared for surgery in three days anyway. I want to go home, I want to go outside!"

"Alright," said Alex slowly. "But you are going straight home and someone will be with you at all times."

"I am not a child," whined Meredith. "I don't need anyone to babysit me!"

"If you're not a kid, stop acting like one."

"Shut up!"

"Has McDreamy tried to see you again?" asked Alex carefully. Derek had tried twice in the past six weeks to see Meredith, once when she was unconscious and once when she was awake and recovering. Cristina and Lexie had kept him away from her.

"No, why would he?" shrugged Meredith. "Me and Derek are over. I've accepted that and I'm over it. I feel like…I feel free."

"Yeah we've all heard this before," said Alex rolling his eyes.

"Shut up," she said. "Nothing is going to ruin my mood, this time…I feels so different like I'm brand new again."

"I think you need another CT."

"There must be something about having three near death experiences," Meredith continued as if she hadn't heard him. "There was the bomb, the drowning and the accident. I just…I know it sounds cheesy and weird but I feel like life means more now. So no more dark twisty Meredith, from now on I'm bright and shiny…again!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Meredith took a deep breath and slowly walked into Seattle Grace, she was nervous the last time she had been there she was a mess, she and Derek had broken up and she had seen him and Rose going off together. She was much better now, she was stronger, she was over Derek. Well alright she wasn't totally over Derek, but the mere thought of him didn't make her want to curl up in the fetal position for the next fifty years.

She was there to show the Chief her medical certificate clearing her for surgery, and to set a date for her to go back to work. She made her way up to the surgical wing managing to avoid anyone she knew. As she walked through to get to the Chief's office, she could feel everyone's eyes on her, the whole staff were looking at her. So she held her head high in the air and pretended she couldn't feel their eyes on her.

She got to the Chief's office and took another deep breath. _'Bright and Shiny, remember bright and shiny! Derek and I weren't meant to be, relationships are not meant to be that hard. But I have to work with him, I can do it!'_ Meredith knocked on the door and after a minute she heard the Chief roar for her to come in.

"Hi Sir," she said.

"Hi Meredith it's lovely to see you looking so well, you had us all worried," said Richard kindly.

"Thank you sir," said Meredith. "I uh brought the medical certificate clearing me for surgery."

"Anxious to get back to work I see," said Richard.

"Yes, I have had more than enough rest," said Meredith. "So I am ready to start as soon as possible."

"Well…you'll have to have a physical by one of our doctors and if they say you are fit for duty you can start tomorrow," said Richard.

"Good, I can't wait to get back to the OR," said Meredith relieved.

"Just like your mother," said Richard fondly. "Speaking of which we have one of her old students visiting for a few months, he started last week."

"That's nice…but I doubt I would know them," said Meredith. "I really didn't get to know any of her students."

"Right…of course you didn't," said Richard awkwardly. "I'll have Dr. O'Malley go your physical as soon as possible."

"Thank you sir."

"Are you sure you're alright Meredith? With everything that happened before the accident?"

"Yes Chief I'm fine, I'm actually really great right now," said Meredith smiling as if she had a secret no' one else knew.

"Good, if you need anything don't hesitate to ask," said Richard professionally.

"Thank you."

"If you just want to wait I'll go and page Dr. O'Malley"

"Thank you Sir," said Meredith getting up. "I'll be in the cafeteria."

"Okay."

----------------------------------------

"Do you need someone to drive you home?" asked George after he had given Meredith her physical.

"No I'm fine," Meredith insisted. "The accident was not my fault. I'm a good driver!"

"I know, I was just asking…" George stuttered walking her to the elevator. Then he spotted Derek and Rose standing together waiting for the elevator. "I'm going to walk you down."

"George go back to work now," said Meredith firmly, they were close enough for Derek and Rose to hear her now. "Despite what everyone seems to think I am fine, I am not broken. I'm happy, I'm…hell I'm alive. Go back to work!"

"Alright," said George looking a little afraid, then he whispered to her. "Alex made me, he says I wasn't to let you out of my sight until you got to the parking lot."

"George," said Meredith through gritted teeth. "Go or I will hurt you!"

"Alright…bye," he stuttered leaving Meredith standing there with Derek and Rose.

"Grey, you're back," boomed Mark who was walking towards the elevator in his civilian clothes.

"Hello Dr. Sloan," smiled Meredith. "How are you?"

"Splendid Dr. Grey," said Mark formally. "How are you? Anymore trucks rammed into your skull since the last time?"

"No just the one," smiled Meredith.

"Oh good, we can't have those nasty machines messing up that pretty little head of yours," said Mark charmingly.

"This is going to be one long elevator ride," Meredith muttered just as the doors opened.

She stepped onto the elevator and stood close to the door, while Derek and Rose walked right past her to the back. Derek couldn't help but steal a glance at her, she had had her hair cut into a cute bob and she seemed different, the sparkle in her eyes was back!

"Hold the elevator," a voice called. Meredith hit the open button.

"Thanks," said a dark haired man getting onto the elevator. "Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Sloan."

"Dr. Holden," said Derek politely.

"Holden?" said Meredith looking at the man, and it dawned on her. Of course the only student of her mother's she had said more than two words, that would have to be the one that that started at Seattle Grace.

"Well, well, well," said Dr. Holden looking Meredith up and down. "Looks like Candy is all grown up."

"You work here?" said Meredith flatly.

"For now," said Dr. Holden. "Happy to see me?"

"Of course you work here," said Meredith. "Out of thousands of my mother's students, you have to come here."

"I'm going to assume you missed me Candy," said Dr. Holden.

"Assume away," said Meredith stepping off the elevator.

"What was that?" asked Mark.

"Long story," chuckled Dr. Holden as he watched Meredith walk into the parking lot.

"You know Meredith?" asked Derek his curiosity getting the better of him.

"You could say that," said Dr. Holden still watching Meredith. "You see nine years ago, I hit on Ellis Grey's jailbait daughter in a bar, that was an interesting few weeks…"


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Candy!" Dr. Holden shouted to Meredith after rounds, she had just given her interns their assignment.

"I am not answering to that name," she hissed at him.

"You just did," he smirked. "And I thought that was your name Candy McHappy, that what you told me."

"That was a long time ago," she hissed.

"I need a resident," said Dr. Holden. "For a surgery of course, interested?"

"Yes," said Meredith.

"Well I don't really need a resident Dr. Yang is assisting me, but Dr. Shepherd needs one to assist him," said Dr. Holden. "Poor guy is all torn up…literally. He fell down a mountain."

"I'm in," said Meredith only hesitating for a second. She had to work with Derek at some point, it was better to get it over with as soon as possible.

* * *

"Why did you change your hair colour?" asked Dr. Holden as he and Meredith were scrubbing in, Derek was waiting for them in the OR.

"I outgrew candy floss pink," said Meredith flatly.

"It suits you," said Dr. Holden.

"Thank you…uh…Dr Holden," said Meredith she suddenly couldn't remember his first name.

"Greg," he said knowingly.

"Thank you Greg."

"You might have changed the color but you haven't changed your shampoo," said Grey tying Meredith's gown at the back. "Smells like…lavender."

"Stop smelling my hair it's creepy," said Meredith as she walked into the OR.

"If you're quite done advising Dr. Holden about invasion of personal space, perhaps we could save this mans life," said Derek.

"Of course sorry, Dr Shepherd," said Meredith taking her spot next to him.

* * *

"Meredith can I talk to you?" Derek asked quietly after the surgery had finished.

"I have post op notes to write up," said Meredith.

"It won't take long," he said quietly. "Please Meredith."

"Alright," said Meredith slowly. "Five minutes?"

"Okay," said Derek stepping into the scrub room.

* * *

"Hey," said Meredith softly. Derek was standing looking out over the ferry boats on the water.

"Hey," said Derek.

"So…"

"How are you?"

"I'm fine," said Meredith.

"That isn't exactly convincing, you're always fine," said Derek.

"I'm good," smiled Meredith. "Haven't you heard I'm bright and shiny again? Life is good!"

"Good I'm glad," said Derek.

"Was that all you wanted?" asked Meredith.

"Yeah," he sighed. "I tried to see you when you were in the hospital."

"I know," she said. "I'm sorry but they wouldn't let me have visitors, it was just Lexie, Cristina, Izzie, Alex and George that were allowed in.'

"I understand," said Derek.

"How are you?" asked Meredith politely.

"I'm fine."

"Good," said Meredith looking round awkwardly. "I better be going…"

"Meredith…"

"What? What do you want Derek?" snapped Meredith.

"I just…"

"We have to work together alright? It's a little awkward right now, I admit…but you're my boss so…it's good."

"It's good?" said Derek mockingly.

"You know what I mean," smiled Meredith. "You're a good guy and great surgeon and I don't hate or dislike you."

"Thanks," said Derek looking at her like she had gone mad.

"What I'm saying is, we can work together right? It doesn't need to be weird and awkward. We can be friends…sort of."

"Sort of friends?" Derek repeated. "How would that work?"

"Uh…I don't quite know," said Meredith. "But I'm sure we'll figure it out," she laughed.

"I'm sure we will."

"I really have to go now," said Meredith backing away. "Bye Derek."

"Bye Meredith," said Derek watching her walk away.

She was different he decided, the last few months he had barely recognized her but the way she had been that day reminded him more and more of the feisty intern he had met on his first day. Being without him had made her bright and shiny again. Derek couldn't help but feel conflicted, part of him was happy Meredith was happy and the other part was devastated that she could only be happy without him. He was the cause of her previous unhappiness.

* * *

"Hey do you want to go to Joe's tonight instead of dinner?" Rose asked Derek after he had finished his shift.

"Yeah," he sighed.

"Are okay?" she asked.

"Yeah it's just been a long day."

"Meredith's first day back?" said Rose uncertainly. "I saw you talking to her earlier."

"Yeah we uh…cleared the air," said Derek.

"That's good, you do have to work together," said Rose.

"Yeah," said Derek too absorbed in his own thoughts to come up with a better answer.

"Wow sounds like there is a party going on in there," said Rose as they approached Joe's.

"Hmmmm"

They walked into Joe's and the first thing Derek saw was Meredith grabbing some guy's groin…


	4. Chapter 4

_They walked into Joe's and the first thing Derek saw was Meredith grabbing some guy's groin…_

**Chapter 4**

"Let me make this clear one more time," hissed Meredith squeezing the guy's package a little too tight for his comfort. "I'm not interested in you or your sleazy come ons. So either you go away or I start turning the knob, understand?"

The guy nodded hastily.

"Alright then," said Meredith releasing him. "Have a nice night!"

"Are you stupid? Go!" growled Alex. The guy visibly trembled and made his way to the door.

"I am so wearing a cup to work tomorrow," said George. "What the hell was that?"

"Well excuse me if I don't like having my ass grabbed by a complete stranger in a bar," shrugged Meredith. "Can I have another beer please Joe?"

"Here you go," said Joe looking at her warily.

"What happened to bright and shiny?" asked Cristina. "As amusing as that was, it was not bright and shiny."

"Bright and shiny has to have rules," Meredith insisted not noticing that Derek was standing behind her. "Otherwise it's just me wandering around smiling all the time, which is just weird."

"Bright and Shiny has rules?" said Cristina. "You need a shrink."

"I don't need a shrink," said Meredith. "I just need McCreeps to stay away from me."

"Double scotch single malt and white wine please," said Derek almost leaning over Meredith.

"Someone clearly didn't get the memo," muttered Cristina.

"Oh hush Derek isn't a McCreep," said Meredith.

"You're sticking up for McDreamy, seriously!"

"No I was just saying he isn't a total creep and he isn't McDreamy anymore," said Meredith. "It's time to find a new McDreamy!"

"A new McDreamy?"

"Yup a new McDreamy," Meredith confirmed.

"You can't just reuse McNames," said Cristina.

"I can!"

"You know he is right there," said Joe handing Derek his drinks.

"Oh yeah," said Meredith smiling at Derek in acknowledgement. "I doubt he will mind losing the McDreamy name, he hated it."

"Oh please he secretly loved it," said Cristina. "Made it easier to get slutty nurses to drop their panties."

"Cristina!" exclaimed Meredith.

"What? Like you weren't thinking it," Cristina snorted.

"Come on," said Meredith grabbing Cristina's arm and almost dragging her back over to Alex and George.

"Owwwww touching!"

------------------------------------

"So are you going to let me buy you a drink?" asked Greg.

"Why would you want to buy me a drink?" asked Meredith suspiciously.

"To make it up to you for calling you Candy," said Greg. "I apologise."

"Good," said Meredith.

"So drink?"

"Light beer."

"Light beer? What happened to the Tequila slugging angry girl?"

"I'm not angry anymore and I'm not drinking to forget, so what do I need Tequila for?" said Meredith, she knew it was wrong to flirt with her boss but she didn't care. She couldn't go out with him but what harm could a little flirting do?

"Alright light beer it is then," laughed Greg.

"Hey Mer is that the new McDreamy?" Cristina called over.

"Ignore her," said Meredith glaring at Cristina. "She's drunk."

"So I wonder…can you still hussle me?" asked Greg as he handed Meredith her beer.

"That depends have you learned how to hold a cue yet," said Meredith.

"Care to find out? Loser buys the next round," said Greg.

"You're on," said Meredith her competitive streak getting the better of her.

----------------------------------------

Derek sat at a little table tucked away in a corner, pretending to listen to Rose moaning about how immature the doctors in Joe's that night were. She may have a point, Mark was almost begging Erica to go out with him by now. Bailey's old interns and Lexie were sitting at the bar, occasionally dancing but mostly just laughing and generally getting drunk and having a good time.

But what Derek was really paying attention to was Dr. Holden buying Meredith a drink. After what he had witnessed when he came in, Derek had assumed Meredith wasn't going to be dating so soon, not that he could blame any guy for hitting on her she looked great. Her hair was short and curled in at her chin, she was wearing gray fitted skinny jeans and a black t-shirt with the rolling stones tongue on it. Now she was playing pool with Dr. Holden, if he strained hard enough he could hear what they were talking about.

"…still trying to pick up underage girls?" Meredith retorted.

"How was I to know you were 17, you were in a bar on a Thursday afternoon, throwing back Tequila like your life depended on it," laughed Greg.

That sounded like Meredith thought Derek, he knew she had a difficult upbringing and had acted out a lot in her teens.

"I was a young vulnerable child that you tried to take advantage of."

"You were anything but vulnerable or a child for that matter," said Greg. "And you make it sound like I was some weird old guy."

Meredith just looked up at him and raised an eye brow.

"I was twenty two, you were seventeen!"

"So…"

"What would you say if I told you I was still very interested in taking advantage of you?"

"I'd say try and pot the ball!"

"Huh?"

"You still haven't put one away," said Meredith pointing to the pool table. "This isn't even a challenge."

"Derek! Derek! Are you listening?" Rose shouted, she had been trying to get his attention for the past few minutes, it couldn't be clearer that he was completely oblivious to what she was saying. It was only when both Greg and Meredith looked over at him that he realised.

"Sorry, what?" said Derek pulling himself out of his thoughts.

"Have you listened to a word I've said?" said Rose.

"Sorry I'm a little distracted tonight," Derek apologised. "Big surgery tomorrow."

"I was just saying, do you want to get out of here? I can barely hear myself think," said Rose.

She knew where he had been looking and who he was watching. She knew he wasn't over Meredith, but he would be and she couldn't throw away the chance they had for a future. She just had to be patient and wait for him to get over her, she just prayed she wasn't the rebound girl.

"Uh…okay if you want," said Derek glancing over at Meredith who was bending over to play. Damn she had a nice ass!

"We could go to my place if you want?" said Rose. After six weeks of dating Derek and Rose hadn't slept together.

"Do you mind if I just go home? It's been a really long day," sighed Derek.

He couldn't have sex with Rose that night, not while he was still thinking about Meredith. He had done that with Addison, closed his eyes and pretended it was Meredith but that was wrong and Rose, she hadn't done anything wrong and deserved more than that.

"Okay," said Rose trying to hide her hurt and disappointment.

With one last glance at Meredith who was still flirting with Dr. Holden, Derek grabbed his coat and practically flew out of the bar.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Alex I am not a child!" said Meredith furiously as she stormed to the locker room. "I do not need to be protected!"

"Holden is a creep," said Alex. "You don't need someone like him."

"What I don't need is you threatening our boss, because he was speaking to me."

"I'm looking out for you," said Alex defensively.

"I am capable of looking after myself."

"But you're not, especially when it comes to guys like that," shouted Alex both of the, unaware that half the surgical staff could hear them, as they were standing in the doorway of the locker room.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you fall for selfish, narcissistic, assholes that leave you for the next quick screw, whether it's his wife, a scrub nurse or any other whore willing to get on her back," shouted Alex and as soon as he said it he regretted it.

"I already knew that," said Meredith sounding angry but Alex knew he had hurt her.

"Mer…I'm sorry," he sighed.

"Don't be you're right," said Meredith calmly. "Stupid me, right?"

"Grey, Karev rounds now!" roared Bailey.

"I loved her," said Derek more to himself than anything else. He had heard what Alex had said and it hurt, surely Meredith hadn't reduced what they had had to that.

"Yeah but you also left her for another woman…twice," said Mark bluntly.

"But it wasn't about sex, I didn't leave her so that I could sleep with them," said Derek. Alex had made him seem like some randy bastard that couldn't keep it in his pants.

"Doesn't that make it worse then?"

"But…She's the love of my life, she knows that…I told her that," said Derek not knowing how Meredith could agree with Alex.

"Then you've got a real special way of showing it," said Mark. "Look you and Grey are over. Done. She's never going to come back, you've pushed her away for good this time. Seems like she's moving on with Holden."

"Holden?" said Derek scowling. "I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Well…because…We can't be done forever," said Derek the thought of never ever being with Meredith again just hitting him. He knew they had broken up but never seeing her smile up at him again, never slipping his arm round her smooth little waist and never getting to kiss her again.

"Are you seriously telling me you didn't know that it was over?" said Mark incredulously.

"You were damn lucky she took you back after your wife showed up! How much more can you expect that poor girl to take?" snapped Bailey interrupting him. "You stay the hell away from my resident!"

"I have to go," said Derek walking away.

"I mean it!"

----------------------------------------

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked Derek as they scrubbed out of a surgery together.

"Uh…yeah I'm fine," said Derek. "Why do you ask?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you seemed pretty distracted in there," she said carefully.

"Yeah I guess I was," sighed Derek. "I've just got some stuff on my mind."

"Anything I can help with?"

"Why would you want to help me?" said Derek feeling sorry for himself.

"You tell me, why would I want to help you?"

"I can't think of a single reason why you would," said Derek sadly.

"Me neither," said Meredith. "But here I am."

"How are you?" asked Derek watching her with his dreamy face.

"Me? I though we were talking about you," laughed Meredith.

"I saw your argument with Alex this morning," he said.

"Oh that was nothing," said Meredith. "We both just have to calm down and everything will be fine tonight. Alex is just a little over protective right now."

"Hmmmm. He's looking out for you," said Derek. "I'm glad he is."

"What has it got to do with you whether Alex is looking out for me or not?" said Meredith bluntly. She shouldn't be talking like this with Derek anymore, she already missed him there was no need to make it worse.

"I want to know that you're okay," he said softly.

"I'm fine."

"You're always fine," said Derek. "I just like to know that someone is there to look out for you since I can't anymore. I'm glad he warned you about Holden, he isn't right for you…he's a womanizer…"

SLAP! Meredith's hand connected with Derek's cheek, the sound echoing through the scrub room.

"Who I date or don't date is nothing to do with you!" hissed Meredith shaking with rage. "What right do you have to give me any advice on my love life?"

"Meredith," said Derek rubbing his jaw.

"And I would take a womanizing man whore over you any day," she hissed storming out of the scrub room.

-----------------------------------------

"George," said Meredith who had run from the scrub room to the tunnels, where she found George lying on a gurney.

"Hey," he said glancing up at her. "How was the surgery?"

"Fine," said Meredith. "I think I'm done being bright and shiny again."

"Did Alex…"

"No Alex hasn't done anything," she sighed kicking off her shoes. "Scoot over."

"You want to talk about it?" asked George as Meredith lay next to her.

"No," she said. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," said George patting her on the shoulder. "Do you want to shout 'seriously' a few times?"

"Maybe later."

Ten minutes later George's pager started to go off.

"I have to take it," he said. "It's 911"

"Alright," said Meredith. "Thanks George."

"Anytime," he said running towards the stairs.

"I'm sorry," said a dreamy voice in the corner.

"Go away," said Meredith staring up at the ceiling.

"Just let me talk to you please," he said sadly.

"You can talk," she said stubbornly. "Doesn't mean I'm going to listen though."

"You were right," said Derek kneeling down in front of the gurney. "I don't have any right to tell you who to date. I shouldn't worry about who is looking out for you."

"No you shouldn't."

"But I do," said Derek wondering if he was going to get another slap, he probably deserved one. "I lie awake at night worrying about you. I watch Holden whenever he talks to you, when he looks at you I could gladly kill him with my bare hands. This morning…do you really think I…did you think it was about sex?"

"No," said Meredith. "Sex I think was the one thing we didn't have a problem with.'

"You know I loved you?"

No answer.

"I still love you," he continued cautiously. "You're still the love of my life and…I miss you so much."

"Oh that makes everything better," said Meredith bitterly. "You love me, you miss me. Let's forget the past two months every happened…oh wait it was more than two months wasn't it? Why don't we just forget the past year happened? You know you're wife showing up and everything…"

"Meredith…"

"What do you honestly expect Derek?"

"I…I don't know," he said emotionally. "But I love you…"

"Yeah you love me when I'm bright and shiny but guess what Derek I'm not so bright and shiny right now…so you can fuck off back to your happy nurse!"

"Meredith I love you, bright and shiny, dark and twisty," said Derek.

"Of course you do."

"I do," said Derek desperate to make her see that he was telling the truth. "I can't imagine being without you for the rest of my life. I wanted commitment and to settle down, I thought if I could find someone who wanted that too everything would be fine…but it's not you. It's you I need."

"Too bad I don't want or need you!"

"Tell me you don't love me then," said Derek. "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't still love me."

"I don't love you," Meredith lied.

"I said look at me and tell me."

"Go away!"

"No."

"So what you're saying is, you broke me because I wasn't ready to give up everything I've ever known and be with you for the rest of my life. You replaced me in a matter of minutes and then you changed your mind and I'm expected just jump when you say so…again!" shouted Meredith. "Not going to happen."

"I don't expect it to be easy," said Derek. "I know I have a lot to make up for."

"You're right it's not going to be easy," Meredith shouted. "It's not going to happen, I will never be with you again! The mere thought of you touching me makes me sick to my stomach!"

"Don't say that!"

"Go away Derek!"

"Okay, I'll give you space for now," said Derek knowing it was best not to push it anymore than he already had. "But I love you, and I don't think I can live without you."

"Go and throw yourself off the building then, save us all a lot of time."

* * *

**I have been a good author and updated really quickly, so please be nice readers and tell me what you think. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"Meredith how is my favorite resident and fellow dirty mistress?" said Mark cornering her in an on call room.

"I'm fine," lied Meredith. It had been six hours since Derek had spoken to her in the tunnels, now the last thing she wanted was to talk about it with Mark.

"Good," said Mark blocking the door and just looking at Meredith impatiently.

"What?" snapped Meredith.

"Don't you care how I am?"

"Not really," said Meredith.

"I'm hurt," said Mark. "Here I was just enquiring how you were feeling after…"

"What do you want Sloan?" said Meredith impatiently.

"I have a problem, I really need your help," said Mark quietly.

"Ugh why don't you ask Derek?" she sighed. "You two are friends again now, right?"

"It's something I really need a dirty mistress to help with," said Mark his face flushing a little.

"What is it?" asked Meredith intrigued, anything that could make Mark Sloan blush had to be interesting.

"I uh have a little problem…it's a little delicate…I really need you to be discreet…"

"Spit it out Sloan!"

"I have syphilis."

"Is that it?" said Meredith disappointed. "I thought that would be a weekly occurrence for you," she said dryly.

"No," said Mark through gritted teeth. "But I need someone to…"

"Give you shots of penicillin," Meredith finished.

"Yes," said Mark. "Will you?"

"Well that depends what's in it for me?" said Meredith her lips twitching as she fought to hold back a smile.

"Drinks on me all night," said Mark.

"Okay," said Meredith. "Well my shift is over, I'm going to change, you get the stuff and I'll meet you in exam room B in ten minutes."

"Okay," said Mark. "I knew you wouldn't let me down."

"I'm doing it for the drinks," said Meredith. "And I feel I should warn you, I'm not a lightweight by any standards."

"Hey if you stop the little major from falling off you can drink the bar dry for all I care," said Mark.

"I might just do that," said Meredith. "Ten minutes."

----------------------------------------

"Hey are you alright?" Rose asked rubbing small circle on Derek's shoulder blade. He had just finished his shift and was updating a patient chart.

"Yeah I'm fine," said Derek wearily.

He was still replaying his conversation with Meredith over and over in his head. He had a lot to make up for and Meredith clearly wasn't going to make it easy, not that it should be easy after what he did. But he had to do it, he couldn't imagine never having her in his life. He hated himself for what he had done, and how stupid he was that he only realised it now.

"I have to talk to you, can you meet me over at Joe's when you finish?"

"Sure, I'm almost done," said Rose. "Did you hear about Dr. Sloan and Dr. Grey?"

"Meredith and Mark?" said Derek. "What about them?"

"They're…um in Exam room B, with the door closed looking pretty…Derek where are you going?" Rose called after Derek who was storming towards the Exam room.

"Pants down and bend over," Derek heard Mark say. He was too busy bursting the door open to hear the rest. "You make it seem so dirty Grey."

"HEY DO YOU MIND?" shouted Mark as Derek stood in the open doorway gasping for breath.

"What the hell is this?" he demanded.

"Shut the door," shouted Mark, who was bent over the bed with his pants at his ankles. Derek slammed the door shut.

"Well…" he said impatiently.

"It's not what you think," said Mark.

"It looks like you and Meredith in an exam room, you with your pants at your ankles," said Derek barely containing his rage.

"Give the doctor a prize," said Meredith standing up. "That is exactly what this is."

"Grey let me handle this," said Mark.

"You are in no position to order me around, _Dr. Sloan_," said Meredith sweetly as she injected his ass with the penicillin not bothering to be gentle.

"OWWWW."

"Sorry," said Meredith not sounding sorry at all.

"Sure you are," said Mark pulling his pants up. "I have…"

Mark was interrupted by Rose coming into the room and wordlessly slipping her hand into Derek's.

"Are you ready to go?" she asked, she now had her jacket on over her scrubs.

"You have what?" said Derek momentarily forgetting his anger.

"Syphilis," said Meredith. "He has syphilis."

"Grey," said Mark. "Dirty mistress code of silence."

"Well I could just lie and tell him that he just interrupted foreplay," she snapped.

"Fine, I have syphilis," sighed Mark. "I slept with Nurse…her name doesn't really matter, but I caught syphilis!"

"What is going on in here?" asked Cristina, who had been passing by.

"Oh Sloan couldn't resist sticking his penis in the nurses syph pool," said Meredith. "You'll need another shot next week," she said to Mark taking off her latex gloves.

"Thanks," said Mark looking at Derek warily.

"You might want to get tested," Meredith said quietly to Derek as she brushed past him.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"Stop it," hissed Meredith. She was half way through her shift, and on her way to check on one of her post-op patients. Somehow on her way she had ended up trapped on an elevator alone with Derek.

"Stop what?" said Derek in such a way that Meredith could hear the smirk in his voice.

"Looking at me."

"I'm not looking at you."

"You are looking at me," said Meredith whipping her head round to glare at him.

"I'm just admiring the view."

"Well don't!"

"I broke up with Rose," said Derek trying to be casual.

"What a shame!"

"You been very angry lately."

"I wonder why."

"You're acting like I'm the reason we broke up," said Derek.

"You are!"

"So you're totally blameless?"

"You cheated on me with a nurse," snapped Meredith. Derek pulled the emergency stop button on the elevator.

"We had broken up," said Derek raising his voice. "You ended us at Cristina's wedding, remember?"

"We were still…"

"Sleeping together? I know but that was all, you wouldn't let me get closer to you, I tried!" shouted Derek.

"That didn't give you the right to start screwing around," shouted Meredith. "Because of you I need to get a damn syphilis test!"

"Me? Why?"

"You were sleeping with another member of staff at the same time!"

"I never slept with her," shouted Derek.

"Like I'm going to believe that," snapped Meredith pushing the button causing the elevator to move again.

"Believe what you want it's true."

"I don't care!"

"Of course you don't," said Derek. "But you played your part too."

"Not as much as you," snapped Meredith as the elevator opened on the surgical floor.

"Fifty Fifty?" Derek called after her.

Meredith didn't look back she just pulled the finger at him.

----------------------------------------

"Are you okay?" Lexie asked cautiously.

She and Meredith had been getting along but she wasn't sure if they were at the confiding in each other stage, but when she came across Meredith muttering angrily to herself in an on call room, she had to ask.

"I'm actually a little mental right now," said Meredith. "But I'll be fine."

"Oh okay."

"Do you need something?"

"Uh no not really, I was um just…" said Lexie trying to find an excuse as to why she had been looking for Meredith.

"Do you want to get a drink later?" asked Meredith sensing Lexie's discomfort. "At Joe's after our shift?"

"Yeah sure that'd be great," said Lexie.

"I'll meet you out front at six," said Meredith.

"Great."

"So how are you? How is your…our…you know…him?"

"Still the same," sighed Lexie. "Living in a bottle scotch, one minute I'm best daughter in the world, the next I'm an ungrateful selfish bitch."

"I'm sorry," said Meredith sympathetically. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No it's fine," said Lexie. "It'll be nice to get away from him tonight."

"You don't go out much?"

"Not really," shrugged Lexie. "My friends from Med School are scattered across the country, and all my friends from high school…have jobs and families."

"Yeah it sucks doesn't it?" said Meredith.

"Yeah."

"Well you have me," said Meredith. "It's not much but it's a start."

"Thanks."

"And if you ever need to get away from our father, you're welcome to stay at my place, whether you are with Alex or not," said Meredith.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," said Meredith. "You shouldn't have to put up with him, there's a hide-a-key in the flowerpot next to the garage."

"Thank you."

"That's what long lost sisters are for," said Meredith. "Anyway I have to go I have a surgery."

"Okay bye," said Lexie.

----------------------------------------

"Forty-five, fifty five?" said Derek, as he crept up behind Meredith at the nurses station.

"What?"

"I'll take fifty five percent blame," said Derek.

"Go away," said Meredith dully.

"Come on," he groaned. "That's fair."

"You're an ass!"

"I'm your boss."

"You're my ex," said Meredith. "And you keep showing up everywhere."

"Don't you think that is more than coincidence?" said Derek dreamily.

"No."

"So how are you?" said Derek changing the subject.

"A little annoyed about being stalked actually."

"Tut tut, I was just being friendly," said Derek tapping the bridge of her nose.

"I was just being honest."

"How are things with Lexie?"

"My relationship with my sister is none of your concern."

"Sister?" said Derek raising an eyebrow at her.

"Don't you have to leave yet?"

"We can be friends Meredith," said Derek frowning. "And you don't have to be so unpleasant"

"I don't need a friend like you."

"I'm a good friend," said Derek leaning in to Meredith and whispering softly into her ear. "I can be a very good friend."

"You're right," said Meredith sweetly, taking Derek by surprise. "You are my boss, and bosses don't whisper innuendos into their subordinates ear."

"Subordinates don't generally give their bosses the finger," said Derek.

"It was either that or punch you."

"I think I would take the punch," said Derek running his finger lightly across her right knuckle. "I always loved your tiny ineffectual fists."

"Give it up Derek," said Meredith trying to ignore her racing heart. "It's never going to happen."

"You say that now," he said mysteriously. "You've also said it before."

"This time I mean it."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

"Are you okay?" Meredith asked. She had just spotted Lexie running into the locker room in tears.

"N-No…M-Molly…she-she…he-h-he…"

"Come on calm down," said Meredith as she awkwardly patted Lexie on the shoulder. "Breathe then tell me what's wrong."

They sat together on the bench while Lexie's breathing slowed down and became normal.

"Now what's wrong?" asked Meredith calmly.

"Molly…my sister she called…well I called her this morning, I couldn't find Dad. He hasn't been home since yesterday morning…he went out to buy more scotch and he hasn't been home… Dad is missing!"

"Are you sure? Have you checked everywhere?" asked Meredith, feeling only slightly worried. She knew she should be really worried but she just didn't feel panicked.

"Yes, I called everyone he knows last night…well except you, I looked everywhere I could think of…he's missing," said Lexie. "He hasn't called or anything, I don't know what to do."

"Uh…okay," said Meredith. "Take the day off, go home and be with your sister and wait for him to find his way home."

"I can't I have rounds and…Dr. Yang…"

"I will clear it with Cristina," said Meredith firmly. "Go home, I'll check the ER's and make sure he hasn't had an accident or anything."

"Thank you," said Lexie wiping her eyes.

"No problem," said Meredith. "Call me if he turns up."

---------------------------------------

"Are you alright?" asked Derek when he found Meredith hunched over charts at the nurses station.

"No," said Meredith shortly.

"Do you want to talk about it."

"No."

"Alright," said Derek. "I'll just stay here in case you change your mind."

"You can actually do something for me," said Meredith.

"What?"

"Tell your girlfriend I didn't tell you she had syphilis," said Meredith glancing over at a huddle of nurses. "And tell them I am not sleeping with you or seeing you in any shape or form outside of this hospital."

"Uh why?"

"Because I can't seem to find any patient charts and I seem to be the only resident getting paged to do SCUT or rectals…in other words the nurses are teaming up against me because they think I told you that your little nurse had syphilis and you broke up with her and now she's McHeartbroken and I'm McBitch!"

"Anything else?" said Derek knowing that something else was wrong with her.

"No." said Meredith stubbornly. "Just tell your nurse I had nothing to do with you pulling the plug!"

"You want me to lie?"

"That isn't lying."

"I broke up with Rose because I'm in love with you."

"Shut up!"

"It's true."

"Go away Derek," sighed Meredith. "I have charts to find."

"I'll tell them," he said softly. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

-----------------------------------------

"I thought I sent you home," said Meredith that night when she had finished her shift, she had spotted Lexie and Molly running into the hospital.

"The police called…they found a body…we have to identify him," wailed Lexie.

"He's dead?" said Meredith surprising herself again at the lack of panic or fear she was feeling.

"What if he is really dead?" whispered Molly to Lexie. "Both him and Mom?"

"Lexie take your sister to the cafeteria," said Meredith firmly. "Neither are you are in any state to identify anything."

"But…"

"I'll go to the Morgue," she sighed. "I'll find you as soon as I'm done."

"You don't have to," said Lexie. "After everything…you don't owe him anything."

"I know," said Meredith. "But you shouldn't have to do this…he's your Dad…he's just my father…so I'll do it."

"Thank you," said Molly.

"No problem," said Meredith. "I'll come find you as soon as I can."

"Thanks," said Lexie leading Molly away. "We'll wait here."

----------------------------------------

"What the hell do you want now?" snapped Meredith. She was about to go in and identify a dead that could potentially be her father, when Derek popped out of nowhere again.

"I heard about your father."

"How did you hear?"

"Lexie," said Derek. "I can do it if you want."

"I'm fine," said Meredith. "You can leave now!"

"I'm not leaving."

"Yes you are!"

"You don't have to be so brave all the time," Derek whispered to Meredith. "There is no' one around, just you and me."

"And the morgue guys," Meredith couldn't help but add.

"I'll bribe the morgue guys," said Derek. "Nobody will ever know."

"Okay," said Meredith grudgingly.

"Come on then," said Derek taking Meredith's hand.

Meredith walked into the morgue and watched as a medical examiner pulled a sheet off a dead man's face. It wasn't Thatcher!

"Thank god," said Derek squeezing her hand.

"Yeah," she said numbly. "It's not him."

"You did good," said Derek as they walked towards the elevators. Meredith quickly pulled her hand from him.

"I have to go and tell…you know…them," said Meredith.

"Okay," said Derek.

"Thank you," she whispered so softly that he barely heard her.

"You're welcome," he said. "Meredith?"

"What?" she asked not turning round to face him.

"Have breakfast with me tomorrow?"

"No."

"Please," said Derek. "Just breakfast."

"Just breakfast?"

"Just breakfast," said Derek. "Tomorrow at seven? I'll be at the usual place. Meet me there?"

"Maybe."

"I'll take what I can get," said Derek.

"I really have to tell…my…Lexie and Molly that their Dad isn't dead."

"Okay."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Meredith stood outside the little café on the corner, it was seven fifteen. She had been standing outside for twenty minutes, watching as Derek waited for her. She couldn't explain why she couldn't bring herself to go in, she just felt rooted to the spot. She knew she shouldn't even be there, she should be strong and walk away from him for good. But he was McDreamy. He was her McDreamy.

Then he spotted her, he looked up and saw her. Now she had to choose, should she go in and should she run. She hesitated for a second before she walked into the café, sat down in the booth and grabbed a menu.

"How long were you standing out there?" asked Derek.

"A few minutes," Meredith lied.

"Were you thinking about anything in particular?" he asked. He had seen her standing there for the past ten minutes.

"Yes actually," said Meredith.

"And…"

"And what?"

"What did you decide?"

"What makes you think I was deciding something?"

"Just a hunch," said Derek. "So…how is Lexie? Did your father show up yet?"

"No he hasn't," said Meredith. "She's still a wreck."

"That's a shame, if I can do anything…"

"I was decided something," Meredith blurted out. "I was thinking about you and if I should see you outside work."

"And…"

"And here I am," said Meredith. "It's just breakfast."

"Just breakfast."

"Right," said Meredith.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"You know when you say fine, nobody believes you anymore," said Derek. "I know you're not fine."

"Okay, I'm not fine," said Meredith. "I'm freaking out."

"About?"

"Am I going to end up like my mother or my father?" she blurted out. "Because I can't decide which is worse. Dying bitter and alone or trying to find the answers to lifes problems at the bottom on a Tequila bottle."

"Neither," said Derek. "You don't have to be either."

"Probably my father," said Meredith pretending she hadn't heard him. "I can't remember the last time I had the night off and was sober. Drowning in a bottle of Tequila, not a very bright and shiny way to die."

"You're not dying."

"I know," said Meredith. "You asked what I was freaking out about, it's not my fault it's death."

"You're not dying, and you're not your parents," said Derek firmly. "You can still choose who you want to be. You're not bitter and twisted."

"Aren't I?"

"No," said Derek. "You're dark and twisty there is a difference."

"You're right I'm being silly," said Meredith. "It's just my father going missing…lack of sleep…"

"If you're worried, it's not silly," said Derek. "You can talk to me."

"I know," said Meredith. "Shall we order?"

"I don't think you'll have any more problems finding your charts now," said Derek after they had placed their orders. "I spoke to the nurses, then yelled a little."

"Oh so now you're going to have trouble finding your charts," smirked Meredith.

"I hope not," said Derek. "Anyway we have interns to find them for us."

"Hey I was an intern, three months ago!"

"But now you're a resident," Derek pointed out. "A pretty good resident too, I heard about that spinal surgery you did with Peterson, very impressive."

"Thank you," said Meredith. "So how are you?"

"Can't complain too much," said Derek. "I miss having you around a lot though."

"I thought this was just breakfast."

"It is. I can't tell you I miss you?"

"No." said Meredith. "You can't this is just breakfast, so you can stop being dreamy because it's not going to work. We're being civilized and…friends."

"Friends?" said Derek raising an eyebrow at her.

"Friends," she said. "Unless you don't want to be friends?"

"No I do want to be friends," said Derek quickly. "I care about you Meredith."

"I still care about you Derek," said Meredith avoiding his gaze. "God only knows why but I do."

"Good," said Derek sensing he should change the subject before he said something stupid. "So did you hear Dr. Holden got offered head of Cardio at Mercy West?"

"Yes I did, he told me," said Meredith casually.

"Oh right…so he's leaving?"

"Yes he is, he took the job and his last day is tomorrow," said Meredith. "He also asked me out."

"What?" spluttered Derek spraying his coffee over the table.

"He asked me out, since he won't be my boss anymore it wouldn't be breaking the rules," said Meredith grabbing a napkin to clean the coffee off the table. "Don't act as though it was a total shock, nobody else was surprised."

"What did you say?"

"I said I'd think about it," said Meredith sipping her coffee. "He's a nice guy, he even thinks I'm endearing when I'm drunk."

"So you're going to go out with him?" said Derek flatly.

"I think so, yes," said Meredith. "That isn't a problem for you is it?"

"I can't tell you what to do."

"No you can't."

"What about us though?" asked Derek before he could stop himself.

"There is no 'us' Derek."

"There could be."

"You cheated on me."

"I didn't cause all our problems," said Derek defensively.

"I know," said Meredith. "But you cheated on me, so that pretty much cancels out the things I did."

"Meredith."

"What?" she snapped. "I thought this was just breakfast."

"It's not just breakfast," sighed Derek. "I thought that was clear from the amount of times we said just breakfast."

Meredith couldn't help but smile in spite of herself.

"We don't work."

"We do," said Derek. "When it was good, it was great remember?"

"Yes I remember."

"We can get that back."

"Can we?"

"We can try."

"I'll think about it," Meredith sighed.

"That's all I'm asking for."


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

"What are you doing down here?" Mark asked. He had come to a dark on call room to lie down.

"I'm contemplating," said Meredith staring straight ahead.

"You want some company?" he asked. Derek had told him what had happened at breakfast, Mark had a pretty good idea of what Meredith was contemplating.

"Sure," said Meredith.

"So tell me your problems," said Mark sitting on the floor so that he was back to back with Meredith.

"You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine."

"Dr. Hahn is not attracted to me at all," said Mark. "This stays between us, right?"

"Right," said Meredith.

"She doesn't respond to anything I do," Mark continued. "She's immune to me, but…I haven't felt like this about anyone since Addison."

"I'm sorry that really sucks," said Meredith. "If you really like her, you shouldn't give up. Try showing her that you are a nice guy and not a sex crazed jackass."

"I'm trying," sighed Mark. "Breaking the habit of a lifetime isn't easy."

"I guess," said Meredith. "But if you really like her, it'll be worth the wait."

"I hope so," said Mark. "It's your turn now. Derek, right?"

"What makes you say that?"

"He told me what happened this morning," said Mark.

"He wants to give it another chance," said Meredith. "But if we do…then I have to tell him something…but I don't think I can tell him because I can barely admit it to myself."

"Tell him what?"

"I can't tell you," said Meredith.

"It might help to say it out loud," said Mark. "It won't go outside these four walls I promise."

"I miscarried his baby!"

"What?"

"The accident…when I woke up they told me I had been pregnant…only three weeks but still…I lost it during the accident. I lost it before I even know I had it."

"Wow…" said Mark, he definitely hadn't been expecting that.

"I have to tell him, right?" said Meredith. "If we do…start anything again, I have to tell him."

"You have to tell him," said Mark.

"He terrifies me," Meredith admitted.

"Who? Derek?"

"Yes."

"He scares you?"

"Yes."

"Why?" said Mark incredulously. "He would never lay a hand on you, or any woman…"

"I don't mean that I'm physically afraid of him," said Meredith. "I know Derek would never do that."

"Then…I don't understand."

"I'm just scared that it wouldn't be any different," Meredith sighed. "I just want to know that this time, we would last longer than a few months and that he won't decide he wants someone else again."

"For what it's worth, I think Derek need a shock," said Mark. "I think you need to shock him, show him that although you might want him, you don't need him. But don't tell him I said that."

"I won't," said Meredith. "Thanks."

"Take your time alright, if it's meant to be he'll wait," said Mark. "I sound like such a chick."

"Yeah you dp," giggled Meredith. "But you're right and you've actually helped."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

-----------------------------------------

"Hey do you a minute?" Meredith asked as she popped her head into Derek's office.

"Yeah," said Derek smiling up at her. "It's just paperwork."

"Okay…I uh…I've been thinking a lot today and…before I say anymore there is something I have to tell you and please…please don't freak out and get mad at me because this is really hard for me and to be honest I never intended to ever tell you…"

"Meredith what is it?" asked Derek worriedly. "You didn't sleep with Mark did you?"

"Oh that's gross," said Meredith looking truly disgusted.

"That is the best response I could have ever hoped for," said Derek chuckling to himself.

"Derek I'm being really serious here," said Meredith visibly nervous. "Maybe you should sit down."

"I am sitting down," said Derek.

"Alright, don't get up then and don't freak out, okay?"

"Okay," said Derek.

"Uh you know how there was the car accident and I…I uh got hurt pretty bad?"

"How could I forget?" muttered Derek.

"Well when I woke up they…they told me…I had…what I'm trying to say is that we…I," babbled Meredith.

"What is it?" asked Derek knowing something was definitely not right. "Just tell me."

"I was pregnant," she blurted out. "Apparently I was three weeks pregnant but the trauma of the crash meant that I…I had a miscarriage."

"Oh my god," whispered Derek.

"I didn't know," said Meredith quickly. "I didn't know I was until they told me that I wasn't anymore."

"I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," said Meredith. "How could I miss something I didn't even know I had?"

"But still…you should have called me or something, I would have…been there," he said running his hands through his hair.

"I didn't want to complicate things anymore," Meredith admitted. "I just thought I had to tell you before…"

"Before what?"

"I've been thinking about what you said this morning about another chance," she said. "I just wanted to tell you about the miscarriage before I told what I decided."

"Thank you for telling me at least," said Derek reaching out and stroking her cheek. "I just wish I could have been there."

"Yeah," she said. "So do I."

"So you've decided already?" said Derek. "Are you sure you don't want more time?"

"I'm sure," said Meredith. "I uh think it's worth another try…"

"Seriously?" said Derek his face breaking out in a huge smile. "Thank you so much."

"Let me finish you might not be so thankful when I'm done," said Meredith. "There are some pretty big conditions and there are non negotiable!"

"I'm listening."

"I want time, I need time. A year to be specific."

"A year?"

"Yes I want a year. I want to date and see what's out there, I think it would be good for both of us to date other people for a year. We can date each other too, so that if in a year we still want to be together we know it's because we want to and not because it's a habit."

"A whole year? You want to date other people for a whole year?" said Derek. He didn't want to be apart from Meredith for a year, he wanted to be with her now. A year was almost as long as he had known her.

"Yes, I want to date for a year," said Meredith. "If in a year we think we can do it, we can talk about starting things properly, the whole relationship thing."

"I understand," said Derek. "But a year?"

"That is all I'm prepared to offer, take it or leave it!"


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"I'll take it," said Derek.

"Good."

"So…can I take you to dinner tonight?" he asked.

"I'm on call tonight," said Meredith. "Sorry."

"Tomorrow night?"

"I have a…date with Greg," said Meredith awkwardly. "I…uh actually have to go and scrub in with Dr. Peterson."

"Okay," said Derek disappointed. "Are you sure we need a whole year?"

"Yes."

-----------------------------------------

A WEEK LATER

"Grey," said Mark cornering Meredith at the nurses station after her shift.

"Sloan," she replied.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Well right now I'm signing this chart and then I'm going home to curl up in bed and eat some bad Chinese food," said Meredith. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I meant with Derek," said Mark impatiently.

"Oh…we're dating for a year," said Meredith knowing full well that Derek had already told Mark that.

"So you and Derek are dating each other?"

"Yes."

"So why do you refuse to see him?"

"He has asked you out every day this week," said Mark. "Why give him a chance if you're not going to actually give him a chance?"

"I…I-I didn't realise," said Meredith realising that maybe Mark was right. "I'll talk to him."

"You better," said Mark. "He deserves to suffer, but don't be cruel.

"I said I'll talk to him," said Meredith. "I don't need you to make me feel bad about it."

------------------------------------------

Derek was lying on his bed looking up at the trailer ceiling, thinking about Meredith. He couldn't complain about Meredith going out with Holden, twice in a week, he agreed to the whole date other people thing. But she wouldn't see him, she was either working, on a date or too tired. But he knew he couldn't give up on her either, he had to hang in there and not let his ego get in the way. Maybe he could surprise her with lunch or something while she was working…Derek's thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his cell phone, he was about to let it go to voicemail when he saw the called ID. It was Meredith.

"Hi…Hi Meredith."

"Hi Derek," said Meredith. "Are you home?"

"Yeah," said Derek suspiciously. "I'm at the trailer."

"I don't suppose you've had dinner already?"

"Uh…no I haven't," said Derek. "Do you want to go out?"

"I actually have a better idea," she said.

Derek looked up when he heard a knock on the trailer door, he got up and answered it. It was Meredith holding a bag of Chinese food, and her cell phone still pressed to her ear.

"I ordered too much," she said. "Wanna share?"

"Yeah," smiled Derek hanging up the phone. "Come on in."

----------------------------------------

"Oh this is the sad part," said Meredith. She and Derek were sitting on the sofa watching the Lion King. "I can't look," she said turning her head so that her chin was resting on Derek's shoulder.

"You know that this is a cartoon, right?" laughed Derek.

"Simba's Dad is going to be stamped on," said Meredith. "It's sad and I can't watch it."

"Alright, I'll tell you when it's over," said Derek breathing in the smell of her hair. "Can I say something, and when I do can you promise not to clam up or leave?"

"Okay," said Meredith not moving her head.

"Promise."

"I promise," said Meredith quietly. She had a feeling what it would be.

"I can't stop thinking about the baby," he confessed. "I keep going over and over it in my mind."

"That's normal," said Meredith.

"Do you think about it?"

"Sometimes."

"Sometimes? It's all I seem to think about," said Derek. "I think about if we had known, would things he any different? If the crash hadn't happened…would you still be…"

"Derek that's normal," said Meredith moving her head so that she was looking up at Derek. "It'll pass. It just wasn't meant to be."

"I know," he said. "But still you seem so okay…and I…"

"Derek I had six weeks in a hospital bed to think about it, I had nothing but time," she said. "I went through exactly what you're going through…I remember one day I actually went down to the nursery and tried to work out what our baby might have looked like. It will pass though, there was nothing anyone could do."

"It would have been beautiful," said Derek.

"I agree."

"It's late," said Derek.

"Yeah I should probably go," said Meredith pulling away but Derek reached out to stop her.

"You could stay here," he said. "It's raining outside."

"It's always raining in Seattle."

"I'll sleep on the couch," he said. "Some of your clothes are still here."

"I guess it couldn't hurt," she said reluctantly. "And we can watch the rest of the cartoon."

----------------------------------------

"Derek," said Meredith late that night.

"Yeah," he called from the couch.

"Are you comfortable?"

"Yes."

"Liar," she laughed. "That couch is barely fit for sitting on."

"It's fine."

"Don't be silly, sleep in your bed."

"I'm fine."

"Derek we can sleep in the same bed," said Meredith knowing it probably wasn't the smart thing to do.

"We can?"

"Yes, we're adults," she said. "We can sleep in the same bed platonically."

"Alright," said Derek getting up and walking over to the bed. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Derek crawled into his bed and dropped his head on his pillow. It was strange how familiar it felt to be lying there next to Meredith, it was as the trailer felt like home again.

"Do you have your earplugs?" asked Meredith.

"Yeah, I have some," said Derek. He had forgotten about her snoring.

"Good, I don't want to be blamed for keeping you up all night," said Meredith slyly.

"Hmmmm I really don't think I would mind," said Derek.

"Goodnight," said Meredith smiling.

"Goodnight."


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Meredith and Derek had been dating for almost two months. Meredith hadn't told her friends that she was dating Derek, not even Cristina. The only person that knew was Mark.

"So how was your date with Holden?" asked Izzie as she and Meredith watched Dr. Hahn's surgery from the gallery. Derek and Mark were sitting doing paperwork a few rows behind.

"It's was fine," said Meredith. "Nice, it was…nice."

"Where did you go?"

"The uh new Italian down by the docks," said Meredith.

"Any sex?"

"Izzie!" hissed Meredith.

"What? You've been dating him for two months, going out every night I might add…it just seems weird that there has only been one sleepover," said Izzie. "You must have thought about it, Holden is hot. He needs a McName."

"It's none of your business."

"Mer sex isn't like riding a bike, you forget how to do it right."

"I haven't forgotten," hissed Meredith painfully aware that Derek was in the room and most probably listening. "Trust me I haven't forgotten."

"Oh well you'll have the house to yourself tonight unless Lexie comes over," said Izzie.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do and trust me if I was in your shoes I would have my wicked way with Holden."

"Izzie?"

"What?"

"Shut up."

"She's dating Holden?" Mark asked Derek quietly.

"Yeah, I already knew that," said Derek trying to show that it didn't bother him.

"And you're alright about it?"

"There's not much I can do about it, is there?"

"Still…I didn't actually think she would be dating other people."

"Me neither."

"Are you dating other people?"

"Why? What does it matter to you?" said Derek defensively.

"Just being supportive," grinned Mark.

"No I'm not," said Derek grudgingly.

"So not Rose then?"

"Oh yeah that would be a smart thing to do," scoffed Derek. "I'm trying to win Meredith back, so yeah I'm going to go out with the woman I…well not cheated on her with but…anyway it would just not go down well at all."

"And that's the only reason."

"Rose is nice, she's smart, sweet and not exactly hard to look at but…I don't know she's just not what I want anymore…what's the point in putting what I do want in jeopardy for something I know would never work out."

"Dude I was only being polite…no need to spill your guts to me."

"Oh very funny."

---------------------------------------

"Hey," said Derek when he spotted Meredith hovering in a hallway later that day.

"Oh hi," she said.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not sure," she said. "All my patients are stable, my interns are…doing stuff."

"Alright so you don't have anything to do?"

"I'm not tired," she said.

"Right well I could probably find you a…"

"I'm horny," she blurted out. "Like seriously…ridiculously sex obsessed…sorry that's inappropriate…"

"Not at all," smirked Derek.

"I need to go lie down…like now before I start having hot flashes here in the hallway…" she mumbled opening the door to the on call room. She stumbled inside and looked hesitantly back at Derek who was still watching her, clearly amused. "Do you have a surgery right now?"

"No I was just going to get some coffee," said Derek.

"Right of course you were," said Meredith. "I'm just going to…"

"Meredith do you want anything? A drink or…"

"Uh no I'm alright," she said. "Screw it."

Without any warning Meredith tugged on Derek's and pulled him into the on call room with her, she pushed him up against the door and kissed him like her life depended on it.

"Wait…Mer…Meredith…" said Derek tearing his lips from hers. "We were…slow…taking things slow…"

"I am breaking this ridiculous celibacy rule," said Meredith forcefully. "Almost four months…do you have any idea…"

"Of course I do," said Derek in such a way that it left her with no doubt that he too had been living a life a celibacy. "But…"

"I am breaking the vow of celibacy with or without your help."

That was all Derek needed to hear, no way was he going to let Holden get his grubby mitts on his Meredith. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him…

----------------------------------------

Half an hour later, Meredith was sitting on top of Derek gently kissing his lips. She somehow had ended up wearing his scrub top instead of her own. Derek's hands were buried in her hair, gently stroking her cheek occasionally. Then an incessant beeping interrupted them.

"Ugh that's mine," groaned Meredith as she reluctantly pulled away from Derek. Without getting off him she reached over and pulled her pager off her discarded pants. "I have to take this."

"Are you sure?" said Derek pulling her head back down, so he could kiss her again. "Let an intern get it."

"I can't," she groaned. "We'll get caught soon anyway if we don't stop."

"Awww but we were having so much fun."

"hmmmm…I wish I didn't have to but I do," she groaned giving him one last lingering kiss before getting off him and throwing on her clothes.

"Can I see you tonight?" he asked before she could run out the door.

"I…uh have a date with Greg…" said Meredith uncomfortably. "I'll call you though."

* * *

**I know I haven't updated this week but it's been a really hectic week. Here is an update though, hope you like it.**

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	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Meredith was sitting on her porch swinging on the swing, wondering if it was too late to call Derek. Her date with Greg hadn't gone that well, she had been distracted thinking about Derek most the night, and the sex…mostly the sex in the on call room. So Greg had dropped her off at half past eleven and fifteen minutes later she still hadn't gone inside. The worst thing that could happen is that she wakes him up….or she interrupts a date or something else. She really didn't want to know that Derek was seeing someone else, let alone sleeping with them. Then as if reading her mind, her cell phone started to ring and the caller ID told her it was Derek.

"Hello," she said.

"Hi," he said. "I thought you were looking a little lonely sitting there all by yourself."

"Where are you?" asked Meredith looking round.

"I was just passing," he said. "On the way back from the hospital I mean…I don't just drive past your house at night."

"I never said you did," she smiled getting up and walking towards his car. "What are you doing here then?"

"Like I said you looked lonely," he said hanging up the phone as she got close enough to just talk to. "I could keep driving if you want?"

"No you're right, I was just sitting there," said Meredith.

"You wanna get something to eat?"

"I actually just ate," said Meredith. "But coffee would be great."

"Coffee it is then," smiled Derek. "Get in."

----------------------------------------

"I should have seen this coming," gasped Meredith as she dug her nails into Derek's back. They had ended up at the trailer, ripping each others clothes off, completely forgetting about coffee. "I really did just mean coffee not 'coffee'"

"And I really was just going to buy you a cup of coffee," said Derek his breathing still ragged.

"I think you woke the beast," she panted resting her cheek against his.

"The beast?"

"The sex beast," Meredith explained. "I didn't think I had the beast. I guess I do."

"The sex beast?"

"It's like, you know when you haven't had sex in a while you sort of forget how good it is…well I don't but you just sort of need it less and then…the beast gets woken up and wants to be fed like all the time…"

"Ah of course, the sex beast."

"Guess what?" said Meredith shifting so that she could feel Derek's erection beneath her.

"What?" said Derek his voice hoarse.

"I think it's supper time."

------------------------------------------

"Hmmm what time is it?" moaned Meredith.

"Four thirty," said Derek. He hadn't been able to sleep, so he had sat up and watched Meredith sleep. She had only been sleeping for about an hour, and he had been brooding.

"Aren't you tired?" asked Meredith sitting up beside him.

"Exhausted."

"Sorry I didn't mean to wear you out."

"You can wear me out anytime you want," said Derek smiling weakly.

"I might just do that," she said leaning forward and kissing him softly.

"Meredith I really have to ask you something," said Derek. "But I don't want to because…you're probably going to get mad at me and leave…and possibly slap me again."

"Just ask me," said Meredith, she had a feeling about what he was going to ask me.

"You won't leave?"

"Derek it's four thirty on my day off," said Meredith. "And if the beast was promised the bendy thing, it would be impossible for me to leave."

"Then consider the beast promised."

"Okay so what is?"

"What are we doing?" said Derek. "I mean what is this? We were supposed to be dating for a year but now we're sleeping together and you're dating Holden and I can't help but…"

"You want to know if I'm sleeping with anyone else?" Meredith finished.

"Yeah."

"I'm not," said Meredith. "I really have been living like a nun for the past four months."

"But what about now? Are you going to…the thought of someone else touching you well it…"

"Derek," sighed Meredith.

She had really wanted a clean slate, just dating no more of the other stuff and their past. She wanted the start of a new relationship and the chance to see what was out there. But she looked at Derek and she knew he was hurting, he deserved to be hurting after everything he had done to her. But he was McDreamy and no matter what he did, she loved him and didn't want to deliberately hurt him no matter how much he had hurt her in the past. There was also a part of her that thought, hey the sex is amazing I doubt it could get better with anyone else anyway so what's the harm.

"I just need to know, please."

"Why don't we call it, dating with booty calls?" said Meredith. "We are still dating other people and each other for a year. But with sex as well."

"So we're back to…"

"No this isn't like break up sex…it's just scratching an itch because I don't think the beast is going back to sleep anytime soon. So we're dating still."

"What about Holden?"

"I'm still going to date Greg," said Meredith firmly. "But if it's alright with you maybe we could just not sleep with anyone else?"

"Seriously?" grinned Derek, that was what had been bothering him. The thought of Meredith being with any other man turned his stomach.

"Yeah seriously," said Meredith noticing the relief on his face.

"Good," he said kissing her gently.

"Although you know this means you're going to have to work extra hard to keep me and the beast satisfied."

"I think I can do that."

"This is it you know Derek. Our last last chance…no more promises to never mess it up again. If we can't do it this time we have to give up…"

"I know," he said looking at her intently. "This is our last chance."

"Scary."

"Terrifying."

"Come on the beast was promised something and you have yet to deliver."

"I always keep my promises," grinned Derek pulling Meredith to her feet and dragging her into the shower.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"Ugh who is calling at this hour?" groaned Derek.

"It's almost noon," Meredith whispered. "And are we really in an appropriate position to be talking about who is calling you? It's kind of killing the mood."

"You're right," said Derek scooping Meredith up and placing her on top of him. "I have a machine."

"Exactly," murmured Meredith kissing him.

"Shep could you and Grey dismount for a few minutes for some company," Mark's voice filled the room through the answering machine. "Normally I would just come in but I really don't need to see what is going on inside that trailer so I'm just waiting outside…it is Grey you're mounting isn't it? Oh boy cause if it's not I'm moving…I can't listen to either of you again."

"Ignore him, he'll leave soon," said Derek as he trailed kisses down Meredith's neck.

"I can stand out here all day, I have nowhere to be as tragic as that is. Oh come on I must be ruining the mood in there," Mark continued. "Or I could start reminiscing, all this scenery is making me a little funny. Grey, have you ever heard the story about when Derek was fifteen and went down to the docks with…"

"Alright," shouted Derek so that Mark could hear him. "I'm going to kill him, I am actually going to murder him," he muttered to Meredith.

"Come on," she said rolling her eyes. "We can't leave him out there all day."

"It's tempting though isn't it?" said Derek pulling on his boxers.

"Do you mind?" Meredith asked holding up Derek's one and only hoodie. She couldn't quite locate all her clothes.

"No it's fine," he said pulling pants on.

"It would have been so awkward if it wasn't me in here," said Meredith as she pulled on a pair of Derek's boxers.

"He knew it wouldn't be anyone else," said Derek smoothing Meredith's hair down and kissing her forehead.

"We're never going to hear the last of this are we?"

"You leave Mark to me."

"Oh come on seriously," Mark called.

"Coming," Meredith shouted. "He really does know how to kill the mood."

"One of his few talents," said Derek taking Meredith's hand and going outside where Mark was pacing on the decking.

"Oh was I interrupting?" smirked Mark when he spotted them coming out of the trailer.

"Very funny," said Meredith sitting on one of the deck chairs.

"Nice outfit," said Mark.

"Was there something you wanted?" said Derek sharply.

"I wasn't checking her out I promise," said Mark knowing what Derek was thinking. "Although you are dating…"

"You need to learn when to shut up," giggled Meredith. Derek looked like he was about to punch Mark.

"Too soon for the girlfriend stealing jokes?"

"You think?" said Derek not amused at all.

"Alright," said Mark holding up his hands in defeat. "I actually came over to cheer your sorry ass up but I see Grey has beat me to it."

"Why would he need cheered up?" asked Meredith looking between the men in amusement.

"He was practically crying on my shoulder yesterday…not cool."

"I was not," Derek protested.

"You were…so I thought I would be a good friend and make sure you weren't acting like a sad, lonely, old fisherman," sighed Mark dramatically. "And what do I get for my efforts…abuse."

"You do realise that how you start the day pretty much shapes how the rest of it will go," said Derek looking at Meredith.

"That is true," she said. "And we got woken up pretty rudely…today is going to be a disaster."

"Hmmmm hardly worth getting out of bed for?"

"Oh that is just not right…you can't use me as an excuse to get laid," Mark protested.

"Bye Sloan," said Meredith getting up and going back into the trailer. "Have a nice day."

"You're not even going to offer me a drink?"

"No," said Derek. "But I will show you the way to your car."

"Seriously! You're choosing a day…ah hell who am I kidding? If you can't be good be careful Shep!" laughed Mark.

"Bye," said Derek all but shoving him off the decking.

----------------------------------------

"You look pretty happy today," Cristina commented the next day at work. Meredith hadn't been home yet, she had just left Derek's trailer that morning.

"It's a pretty good day," said Meredith.

"Did you get laid? Is that what the whole bright and shiny thing is about?" said Cristina.

"Yes," said Meredith simply.

"Izzie will be thrilled," muttered Cristina. "At least McDreamy has backed off."

"Uh yeah…that's a relief," said Meredith hoping Cristina wouldn't notice how badly she was lying.

"So Holden was he any good?"

"Cristina!"

"What?"

"I'm not answering that."

"Prude," sniped Cristina then her pager went off. "I gotta go."

"Prude? I bet that's a new one," said Mark as Cristina ran off.

"What do you want?"

"I'm just passing the time of day…you know conversation and such," said Mark.

"Right," said Meredith. "As much fun as that sounds I have to go."

"You know I'm starting to think that you don't like talking to me."

"Just starting to think."

"Ouch Grey that hurt."

"My shift is officially over and I'm going home to sleep," said Meredith getting up. "I'd much rather be going home that spend any more time here."

"Oh so it's not just me then?"

"No," said Meredith. "So there is no need for your feelings to be hurt."

"Well I won't keep you then, you probably need your sleep I doubt you got any last night."

-----------------------------------------

"Meredith what are you doing tonight?" Derek asked. Meredith had just changed out of her scrubs and was standing at the nurses station signing a chart.

"I'm going home to sleep," she said. "I'm exhausted."

"Did I wear you out?"

"Yes," she smiled looking around to make sure no' one could hear. "I could barely sit down all day."

"Really?" said Derek looking very pleased with himself.

"Yes," she hissed. "It's not funny."

"No it's not funny," he said seriously. "It's a shame you can't keep up."

"You can't seriously need sex again!"

"Well not need exactly…"

"I guess it couldn't hurt…just make it quick."

"Oh that's romantic," laughed Derek. "Go home and sleep if you're that tired."

"I need sleep," she said.

"Okay," said Derek he leaned in to kiss her, but then had to stop himself when he remembered where they were. "Sorry."

"It's fine," said Meredith. "I should go."

"Bye."

"Bye," said Meredith.

Derek watched as she put the chart back and picked up her bag. He knew he should be happy, Meredith had spent a whole day and two nights with him. But it made him miss her even more, he was dreading going back to the trailer by himself especially when Meredith had been with him just that morning. He knew he deserved this suffering, but it didn't make it any easier. He wasn't allowed to even kiss her on the cheek in public and he couldn't tell her he loved her, that's what really hurt he wasn't allowed to tell her he loved her. He had slipped up last night when they were having sex, he had said 'I love you', if Meredith hadn't been coming as hard as she was she would have heard and probably freaked out.

"Miss me?" Meredith was walking to the elevator when she felt a strong pair of arms wrapped themselves around her waist.

"Greg what are you doing here?" said Meredith wondering if Derek could see them, she really didn't want to hurt him and he knew that if he saw Greg he would be hurt.

"I had to sign some forms for the Chief," he said. "So I thought I would come and find my favorite resident, who I might add is looking particularly breathtaking today."

Then Greg leaned forward and kissed her, softly but intimately enough to show that he had done it before. He tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear, and kissed the end of her nose.

"Uh…thanks," said Meredith. "Personally I think I look like crap today."

"If this is crap I can't wait to see you on a good day," said Greg.

"Always the charmer."

"You make it easy," he said charmingly. "So how does bad Chinese food and an even worse movie sound?"

"Food sounds great," said Meredith. "But I'm going to have to pass on the movie…I'm so tired."

"Alright so just food and then bed," said Greg meaningfully.

"Don't get any ideas I'll be going to bed alone tonight…I don't have the energy."

"We'll just see about that," said Greg putting his arm around Meredith's shoulders. "Dr. Shepherd."

"Dr. Holden," said Derek stiffly as he got on the elevator with them.

Meredith just stood there frozen, afraid to look at Derek or Greg. Eventually she looked up at Derek, he looked as if he was in actual physical pain. He glanced at her and Greg's arm protectively slung around her shoulders and quickly went back to staring at the door.

"Have a night nice Dr. Holden, Dr. Grey," said Derek as he got off at his floor.

"You too Dr. Shepherd," said Greg completely oblivious.

'_So this is the problem with dating'_ thought Meredith.

* * *

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	15. Chapter 15

_Meredith just stood there frozen, afraid to look at Derek or Greg. Eventually she looked up at Derek, he looked as if he was in actual physical pain. He glanced at her and Greg's arm protectively slung around her shoulders and quickly went back to staring at the door._

_"Have a night nice Dr. Holden, Dr. Grey," said Derek as he got off at his floor._

_"You too Dr. Shepherd," said Greg completely oblivious._

_'So this is the problem with dating' thought Meredith._

**Chapter 15**

"Derek," Meredith hissed as she followed him into his office. He hadn't said a word to her all day, he could barely look at her. "Derek talk to me."

"And say what?" sighed Derek.

"Anything," she said somewhat desperately.

"I don't know what to say."

"I didn't know Greg would show up here," said Meredith. "I didn't plan on meeting him here."

"I know."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No."

"Then stop being like this," said Meredith desperately.

"Like what?"

"You can barely look at me," said Meredith sadly. "Do you hate me?"

"I don't hate you," said Derek reaching out and caressing her cheek. "I love you."

"Then stop this," she said closing her eyes cherishing the feeling of him touching her again. "Stop it, please."

"I'm sorry," he said dropping his hands from her cheek. "You asked for time, you want a year. You're dating Greg and I…he kissed you like he's kissed you before like it's just something he does every day…like he'd be doing it every day for the rest of his life."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't want you to see that. I never meant to hurt you."

"I know."

"Derek…you're scaring me," said Meredith placing her small hand on his broad shoulder. "Is this…do you want to end it…again?"

"No," said Derek shocked she would think that. "Of course I don't…I meant everything I said to you."

"Then what do you want from me?"

"Just you."

"Well here I am," said Meredith. "Don't push me away."

Meredith stepped forward so that her body was pressed against Derek's, she put her arms around his torso and hugged him. She pressed her the side of her face to his chest, listening to his heart beat, inhaling the scent of him just in case this was the last time she got to be this close to him. The whole dating thing wasn't really going to plan, when she was on a date with Greg she just thought about Derek and when she was with Derek she never wanted to leave. When Derek called her, her heart skipped a beat when she saw his name on her caller ID, she never wanted to hang up. She hated it when she had to go to sleep alone. She wanted Derek all the time, she wanted a full relationship with him.

But things hadn't changed. Rose was still too fresh in her mind for her to give in to her heart.

"I love you," said Derek taking his hand and cradling the back of her head.

"I love you too."

"Then what are we doing?" asked Derek frustrated. "Why do I have to see other men kissing you and holding your hand? He took your hand…I'm not allowed anywhere near you but he gets to walk out of this place holding your hand."

"I have never slept with him."

"That's not the point," Derek growled. "I don't want you for the sex."

"You could have fooled me."

"The sex is good…amazing in fact but it's not what I want. I want to love you."

"You said you do love me."

"I do, I just wish you would let me," said Derek. "I don't get to kiss you when I wake up or before I go to sleep. I don't get to have breakfast with you or talk to you for a decent length of time. I don't get to hold your hand."

"You can hold my hand," said Meredith finally understanding what he was saying.

"I hate dating."

"I know you do," said Meredith. "I'm sorry."

"Ten months to go," said Derek. "I'll wait I promise I will. But it's hard it's so hard Mer…I hate Holden, I could happily punch him out right now."

"He's a nice guy," said Meredith. "He knows I'm dating someone else, he doesn't know it's you."

"I figured," said Derek kissing the top of head. "I mean it, in ten months I'll still be here."

"I hope so," said Meredith.

"I can guarantee it," said Derek letting her out of his arms.

"When do you finish?"

"I…uh just have some paperwork to do then I'm out of here," said Derek.

"I've already finished," said Meredith. "Can I come over tonight?"

"I thought you had a date?" said Derek bitterly.

"I do," said Meredith. "I'll cancel."

"You don't have to do that," said Derek.

"I know, I want to though. I've missed you."

"I'll take my paperwork home then," said Derek. "I've missed you too."


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

"I have to tell you things and when I do you can't react in anyway," said Meredith. She and Derek had been dating for almost four months now. She had found Cristina in the locker room alone.

"Yeah sure," Cristina snorted.

"Fine I'm not telling you then," Meredith huffed.

"Yes you are," said Cristina. "And I will mock you and get you drunk because I am your person."

"You're my person."

"So spill."

"I broke up with Greg," said Meredith.

"Is that all?"

"No," said Meredith. "I'm dating Derek for…three months."

"McDreamy?"

"Yes," said Meredith grudgingly.

"Sex?"

"Yes."

"Alright then," said Cristina. "Tequila time now."

"There is a little more," said Meredith quietly. "I gave Derek a deadline, a year…a year to date other people and each other…only I've stopped dating other people and I haven't told him."

"Okay," said Cristina. "Do I have to give you advice or hug you and have a moment now?"

"No I'm good," said Meredith. "Just don't tell anyone."

"Fine," said Cristina. "But you're buying the first round of drinks."

"Deal."

----------------------------------------

"Feel better now?" Derek asked the next morning. Meredith had come to work hung over and was now currently sprawled out on top of Derek in an on call room.

"No," came her muffled reply.

"We have to do at least some work today, you know?" chucked Derek as he stroked her hair.

"Don't want to."

"Neither do I but we took an oath," said Derek. "So get up and I'll see if I can get you scrubbed in on a good surgery this morning."

"No it's alright," groaned Meredith sitting up. "I have interns to boss around and paperwork to do."

"You sure?"

"Yes," she said leaning down and kissing him softly. "See you tonight?"

"I can't tonight," said Derek hesitating. "I have a date."

"Okay," said Meredith who felt like she had had the wind knocked out of her. "Bye."

"Meredith…" Derek started but she had fled.

----------------------------------------

"McDreamy you moron," Cristina hissed at Derek after he had finished his shift.

"Pardon?"

"You heard you ass," she said.

"Dr. Yang."

"Oh don't give me the 'Dr. Yang' crap, you're breaking her again. I knew you would…it's a McDreamy thing, right? But to make her think it's her fault every single time…that's low."

"Ah we're talking about Meredith?" said Derek finally catching on.

"No shit."

"What is wrong with Meredith?"

"Like you don't know," she scoffed. "She tries and you start dating…typical…I should kick your ass but I won't…because I need a surgery right now and I don't want to hurt my hand on your face."

"What do you mean she's trying?" asked Derek.

"Like I'm going to tell you."

"Tell me!" he roared. "Then you can kick my ass all you want."

Cristina just looked at him in shock. "She broke up with Holden," she said as if she knew she shouldn't. "A month ago."

----------------------------------------

Derek drove straight from the hospital to the ferry docks, he knew she would be there. And she was, Meredith was standing at the barrier watching the ferries. He got out of his car and walked over to her, and stood behind her.

"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair.

"Why are you sorry?" she asked not being to stop herself from smiling because he was there, behind her, whispering into her ear and making her pulse race.

"I thought we were dating," he said placing his arms on the barrier at either side of Meredith so she couldn't run from him.

"We are," said Meredith well aware that he was making sure she couldn't run from him.

"You're not," he said sadly. "Why didn't you tell me you broke up with Holden?"

"It never came up."

"I'm sure you could have dropped it into conversation," said Derek.

"I'm sure I could have."

"So…you're not dating anyone except me."

"No…I'm not," said Meredith. She heard Derek sigh sadly behind her. "Speaking of dates, you'll be late for yours."

"I cancelled," he said moving his arms so that they were wrapped round her waist. "I never wanted to date…I just thought I should…"

"Derek the deal wasn't for me to date and for you to wait," said Meredith still looking out at the water intently. "It was for both of us to see what is out there so that we know that we choose to be together and that it's not just an old habit we can't shake."

"I know that," he said. "But I know what is out there and I don't want it, I want you."

"Derek you don't have to apologise for having a date," said Meredith firmly. "That was part of the deal."

"I want you, only you," Derek repeated. "You didn't tell me we were exclusive."

"I know, maybe I should have…I just didn't want things to change," she confessed.

"Okay," he said quietly. "We'll keep things as we are…but we're exclusive…right now I mean. You're not seeing anyone else and neither am I."

"Fine we're exclusive," said Meredith grudgingly. "Happy now?"

"Yes," he grinned turning her to face him. "I love you."

"Yeah yeah I love you too."

"We'll do it this time Mer," he whispered as he hugged her close to him.

"Don't hurt me again, please," she begged.

"I promise."


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

Derek and Meredith had been dating for eleven months now. FOUR WEEKS UNTIL THE DEADLINE! Through some miracle only Mark and Cristina knew about their relationship. Izzie and Alex had guessed that Meredith was seeing someone, since she spent almost every night at Derek's trailer with him, but she wouldn't tell them who it was. Dating Derek being a secret was something that was bothering Meredith more and more each day, but they had come this far they may as well make it to the deadline now.

"Four weeks to go," Derek murmured into Meredith's ear as they rounded on their patients with Meredith's interns.

"Hmmm not long to go," she murmured back.

"You surprised we made it?"

"A little," she confessed. "But we did."

"We did," said Derek. "Love you."

"Love you too."

"Meredith…uh the Chief asked me to scrub in…" stuttered George noticing how cozy Derek and Meredith looked.

"Go ahead," she said. "I'll get someone else to cover the pit."

"Thanks," said George, he looked back as if he was about to say something but thought better of it then sped off to join the Chief in the OR.

"Oh dear, I think we're getting sloppy."

"They'll soon find out anyway," Meredith shrugged.

"Well…it couldn't hurt to just get it over with and tell everyone now."

"It hasn't been a year," said Meredith twirling round to face him.

"Close enough," said Derek. "Come on why are we still hiding? We should have just told everyone months ago, sneaking around like teenagers is ridiculous."

"Ridiculous?" said Meredith clearly hurt that he thought she was ridiculous. "I wish you had told me that before."

"Mer I didn't mean…"

"You know how important this is to me," she hissed. "But you…"

"I didn't mean it like that," said Derek raising his voice so that Meredith wouldn't cut him off again. "But it's frustrating…I love you and you love me but we're sneaking around like we have something to be ashamed of!"

"I do," snapped Meredith. "I took back the guy that left me for his wife and then a nurse…I needed to be sure that you weren't going to go off with the next pretty face that catches your eye!"

"That's not fair!"

"That is what happened though…"

"You make it sound like…"

"Like what? What do I make it sound like?"

"I can't talk to you when you're like this," said Derek.

"Then don't talk to me!"

"Fine," said Derek his eyes blazing at her. His pager went off and we went to storm out of the room.

"Hold on!" Meredith commanded. Derek immediately turned round to face her, she stepped towards him and gently kissed him on the lips.

"Don't start the day on a fight," she said firmly. "I love you, you ass and we'll finish this later."

"I like grown up Meredith," said Derek smiling McDreamily at her, the old Meredith would never have done that.

"Well she doesn't think much of you," Meredith retorted going back to her charts. "Now weren't you about to storm out?"

"I'll see you later," said Derek leaning in to kiss her but she turned and gave him the cheek.

----------------------------------------

"Hey I need your opinion," said Derek to Mark that night.

"Alright shoot," said Mark. "Wait your shift finished hours ago, you should be at home with your pissed off girlfriend."

"I'm just going," said Derek. "I wanted to know what you thought of this first."

"Of what?"

"This," said Derek pulling a small black box out of his pocket.

"Oh my god," said Mark opening the box to reveal a white gold, princess cut engagement ring.

"You think she'll like it?"

"If it's a real diamond she'll love it."

"Of course it is," said Derek looking offended Mark would think he would buy Meredith a fake ring.

"She'll love it…so I guess your little deadline is close then?"

"Four weeks," said Derek. "I kind of pissed her off earlier though."

"Ah…so I won't come anywhere near the trailer in the next…three days."

"You can come…but I won't answer the door," said Derek. "You think she'll say yes."

"Grey loves you," Mark stated. "Anyone with half a brain knows that. She'll run into your arms, marry you and have your babies."

"That's the dream," said Derek. "Thanks."

"Anytime Shep."

----------------------------------------

As Derek got on the freeway to go home, a drunk driver came out of nowhere and ploughed into his car sending Derek through the windshield…

* * *


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

"How is he?" asked Meredith urgently as Mark slipped out of Derek's hospital room.

Derek had sustained some minor injuries in the crash, he had hit his head pretty hard on the windshield and was still unconscious. There was no brain damage but he hadn't woken up, the crash had happened a week ago. Derek's mother and four sisters had flown out and Nancy had immediately kicked Meredith out of his room and banned her from visiting him. Mark had explained that Derek and Meredith were an item and had even showed them the engagement ring that had been found on Derek at the crash site, but they wouldn't back down. Meredith hadn't been anywhere near Derek in six days.

"Still the same," said Mark. "You look like crap."

"I don't care," said Meredith flatly. "I just need Derek to be alright…has there been any movement anything at all?"

"He hasn't even so much as squeezed his mother's hand," said Mark sadly. "I tried to talk to them about you…Mom thinks you should see him but…Nancy is a bitch and she just doesn't have the strength to fight."

"Or the inclination," Meredith muttered. "Just tell him I love him, okay?"

"I will," said Mark. "He'll be okay, you know?"

"No I don't," said Meredith. "But he has to be okay…or I don't know…there is no other option Derek has to be okay, he has to live and he has to be Derek!"

"He loves you," said Mark putting his arm around Meredith. "He loves you so much, he wouldn't want to see you doing this to yourself. You have to sleep, you have to eat. You're not going to be much good to him if you're dead."

"I wish I could see him," said Meredith tears falling from her eyes. "Why can't I see him?"

"I'm so sorry," said Mark truly devastated to see Meredith in such a state. "I can't change their minds…they think….that you broke up and…Derek called his mother when you wouldn't give him the time of day and he…omitted a few detail about Rose and you know…you drowning and almost dying…I'll keep trying though."

"No don't," she sighed wiping the tears from her face. "They might stop you seeing him…and then who would tell me how he is."

"Get some sleep," said Mark. "Because when he wakes up he's going to start shouting for you…you don't want to look like crap."

"Oh thanks."

---------------------------------------

"I know I'm breaking all the rules," said Meredith. It was 3am and almost all of Derek's family had gone to their hotel, only Nancy was still at the hospital and she was having coffee with Mark so Meredith had sneaked into Derek's room. She was sitting on the chair next to his bed, holding his hand.

"You need to wake up soon though…you're going to miss our deadline if you don't wake up…Derek please, you promised not to leave me again and I have to tell you dying is like the biggest way of leaving me…You can't just let me get used to you again and then just…die…" she sobbed, suddenly Derek's hand started to twitch. "Derek! Derek! Can you hear me? Derek if you can hear me wake up, come on wake up!"

"What the hell is going on here?" said Nancy standing in the doorway.

"He's moving!" Meredith cried not caring that she wasn't allowed to be in there. "His hand is moving…he's waking up!"

"Get her out of here before I call security," shouted Nancy as she pulled Meredith from Derek.

"Come on Meredith…she'll do it," said Mark glaring at Nancy.

"But he's waking up," Meredith sobbed. "Look his eyes!"

"Come on Nance you can see the state she's in," said Mark.

"Get her out!"

----------------------------------------

"What happened?" said Derek weakly. He had woken up ten minutes ago and had been checked over by an intern.

"You were in an accident a week ago," said Nancy. "What was the last thing you remember?"

"Talking to Mark at the hospital and then going home…I got on the freeway that's it," said Derek. "Where's Meredith? Is she here?"

"No," said Nancy stiffly. "She finished her shift and went home."

"You should call her, tell her I woke up and I'm okay," said Derek knowing that Meredith usually worried herself into a frenzy.

"I called her when you were getting your check up," Nancy lied. "I tried to get her to visit you but…she was always busy. She had a date tonight…I could hear him in the background when I called."

"Are you sure?" asked Derek not being able to believe that Meredith would be so cruel and callous.

"I'm positive," said Nancy. "Mom will be here soon, I was thinking maybe you could come back home to recover…it would be good for you to be around your family again."

"Yeah I'll think about it," said Derek his mind reeling from what Nancy had told him about Meredith. Maybe she had freaked out? But she was his Meredith and he needed to see her, his body was aching to hold her again.

----------------------------------------

"Dr. Grey…Lexie can I ask you something?" asked Derek as Lexie was examining him before discharging him. He was going to New York to stay with his mother for a few weeks before he could go back to work. But he still hadn't given up on Meredith, she hadn't visited him and part of him couldn't help but wonder if maybe Nancy was right.

"Sure," said Lexie.

"I just need a yes or no answer no explanation or anything just yes or no," said Derek firmly. If it was true, he didn't want to hang on to hope that Meredith did love him and she was just going through another freak out.

"Alright."

"Did Meredith come and see me at all?"

"No," sighed Lexie. "But…"

"That's all I wanted to know," said Derek deadly serious. "Can I go now?"

"Yes but Derek you need to talk to her before…"

"I'm not interested," said Derek trying to hold back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes.

After all they had been through, everything that had happened and everything they had said to each other in the past year, keeping their relationship a secret was more important to Meredith that coming to see him when he was ill.

Life could be so cruel. He was so close to having everything he wanted and now he had to give up and let it go, let her go.

* * *

**This really isn't my favourite chapter but it is necessary to the story, which I have totally planned out now. It's going to have 23 chapters, most of them are written now I have just finished Chapter 20, so hurry up and REVIEW and I will post the next chapter tomorrow.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Derek was standing in the driveway of the house he had grown up in, he had been in New York for three days and was staying with his mother. He had lost his cell phone in Seattle, so he hadn't even spoken to Meredith since before the accident. He had told his mother that he would fix her lamp, even though he had no idea what he was doing. He had turned the lamp upside down and sat on the driveway and looked at it for twenty minutes.

"Derek."

Derek's head snapped up, he knew that voice but there was no way. It couldn't be Meredith, she wasn't in New York, she was in Seattle with another man.

"Derek I know you can hear me," said Meredith standing in front of him. "Derek please…"

Derek raised his head a little so that he could see her shoes. It was definitely her.

"What are you doing here?" said Derek shocking even himself by how harsh he sounded.

"You just discharged yourself and disappeared," said Meredith. "I was worried."

"Yeah sure you were."

"I love you of course I was worried…I thought you were going to die."

"Yeah I'm sure that would have made things a lot easier for you."

"Easier? Derek what are you talking about?" said Meredith a sense of dread settling in her stomach.

"Did you even care that I was unconscious for a week? The least you could have done was tell me, you were seeing other people again. I think I deserved that much from you…"

"Seeing other people?" said Meredith completely shocked. "I'm not seeing anyone, how can you think that?"

"Save it!" Shouted Derek getting to his feet. "I know you were too busy to visit me because you were out with some guy! Fine! All you had to do was tell me, you don't love me this was all revenge for Addison and Rose!"

"Derek that's not true…I tried to see you they…."

"Save it! I know what happened, my sister told me," said Derek looking at her like he hated her. "Just go! I'm done, finished. I should never have gotten involved with an intern that picks up strange men from Joe's."

"Derek…" whispered Meredith struggling to hold back tears.

"This is private property, you're trespassing," said Derek coldly.

"I'm going," she said. "I do love you and I don't know what you've been told but it's not…"

"If you're not gone in two minutes I'm calling the police," said Derek barging past Meredith and going into the house.

----------------------------------------

"Hello dear, I didn't know you were in town," said Linda Shepherd as she kissed Mark's cheek. She had gone to take out the trash and found Mark storming out of his car and up the drive way.

"Hi Mom," said Mark hugging her. "Is Derek in?"

"Yes he's in the den with Nancy," she said. "Is everything alright? You boys aren't fighting again, are you?"

"No. I'm just going to knock some sense into him," said Mark.

"Do try and be careful," said Linda. "I made chicken wings…I'll bring them down."

"Thanks Mom," said Mark going into the house. "Hey did you know Meredith was here yesterday?"

"The woman from the hospital, she broke his heart, no I didn't know she was here," said Linda.

"Okay," said Mark heading down to the den.

"Mark what are you doing here?" said Derek when he saw Mark coming down the stairs.

"I'm going to kick your ass!"

"What did I do?" sighed Derek, he didn't have the energy to argue with anyone. He just wanted to lie in bed and wallow.

"You broke Meredith again! Normally I wouldn't get involved your relationship is your business but when I get kept up all night because I can hear her sobbing her heart out all night…that tends to bother me," said Mark. "How the hell could you do that to her?"

"Yeah well I fell pretty crappy myself," said Derek. "Don't try and make me feel worse…I never meant to make her cry."

"You're better off without her," said Nancy confidently. "She was bad news, she just wanted to be the intern dating the attending making six million dollars a year."

"No! No it wasn't money. There's one thing I know Meredith never cared about my money. It was me she didn't want. I would have given her any amount of money she wanted," said Derek. He might not know what went wrong with him and Meredith at the end, but he wasn't about to let her be called a gold digger.

"So tell me Derek, what the hell did she do?" said Mark, watching Nancy out of the corner of his eye. "From what I can see, she nearly made herself ill from worrying about you. You disappear from Seattle and she comes after you. So tell me why the hell why she crying herself to sleep last night. Why did you make her run, the person that made you happier than I've ever seen you?"

"She wasn't worried about me," said Derek. "It was more important to her that nobody know that we were together than for her to make sure I was even alive. She started dating again, she was with him when I woke up and when Nancy called her to tell her I was awake."

"Nancy," said Mark grimly. "What the hell have you told him?"

"The truth," said Nancy somewhat less confident than she was before.

"Derek I think there's a few things we should get straight," said Mark. "Despite what Nancy here has told you Meredith did care. She was camped outside your room all week, and you know why she was outside the room because your darling big sister banned her from seeing you. And when Meredith did sneak in your room she got you to wake up…only you couldn't know that because she was kicked out again! So she was not on a date when you woke up, she was being dragged from your room kicking and screaming."

Derek just sat there with his mouth hanging open. He knew Nancy was manipulative but she was his big sister, surely she wouldn't do something like that to him, would she?

"And as for keeping the two of you a secret…the whole hospital pretty much guessed that something was going on by the way she was acting, there wasn't a whole lot she could do to hide it," said Mark. "If you had taken the time to find that out, you might not have driven her away.

"Nancy?"


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

"Nancy what's going on?" asked Derek seriously. "Is Mark right?"

"I was trying to protect you," said Nancy carefully. "You were married for eleven years you don't know what women like that are capable of…she'll use you…"

"I don't believe you," said Derek. "You lied, you blatantly lied to my face. You let me…Oh my god! What have I done?"

"This is low even for you," Mark growled at Nancy.

"I'm sorry Derek, I really was just looking out for you!"

"Where is she? Mark where is she?" shouted Derek as he grabbed Nancy's car keys from the table.

"She had a cab booked to JFK twenty minutes ago," said Mark.

"Right…when is the next flight to Seattle," said Derek looking around for his cell phone. "I might still be able to make it."

"She's not going to Seattle," said Mark.

"Where is she going?"

"I don't know, she told me she was going to the airport and getting on a plane to the first place that catches her eye," sighed Mark.

"She could be anywhere," shouted Derek. 

"We're closer to JFK than the hotel," said Mark. "We could still catch her."

"Come on then, I'm driving," said Derek tearing up the stairs.

"No I'm driving, I think you've proved that you can't be trusted to drive carefully enough," said Mark following him.

"Derek, if there's anything…" started Nancy.

"Just stay the hell away from me," said Derek barely glancing back at her.

-----------------------------------------

"She could be anywhere," gasped Mark as he and Derek ran into the terminal.

"Uh…we just have to look everywhere," said Derek frantically looking around.

"She could be halfway to Mexico by the time we do that," said Mark. "Look at the size of this place."

"Ferry boats," said Derek.

"We're in New York, no damn ferry boats here," said Mark impatiently.

"No over there," said Derek pointing to a wall that had giant ferry boats painted on it. "It's a start."

"She's not here," said Derek frantically looking round under the painting. "It's always ferry boats."

"Maybe she got through security," shrugged Mark.

"I need a ticket," said Derek.

"You don't have your passport," said Mark obviously.

"I have to do something!" said Derek feeling almost hysterical then he spotted her. 

He had missed her the first time round, because she didn't look like Meredith. She was standing directly under the painting looking up at it, she was wearing jeans and a hoodie three sizes too big for her, her hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. He sprinted towards her and then stopped abruptly when he could see her face, Mark had been right. Meredith hadn't slept at all the night before, her face was still tearstained in fact she looked on the verge of tears right now. He had broken her heart, he knew it he could see the damage he had done just by looking at her.

"Meredith," he said reaching out for her.

"Go home Derek," said Meredith flatly. "Just go home!"

"Meredith I'm so sorry," he said. "Nancy lied to me…she told me you didn't want to visit me and that you were with men and I…I'm sorry I didn't ask you or…I'm so sorry please don't go."

"I have to go," she said sadly. "This is it Derek, we knew it was our last chance…we didn't make it and it's time to accept that and let go."

"No!" said Derek taking her wrist and yanking her into his embrace. "I screwed up I know that but this isn't the end, it can't be. I love you, I love you too much to just let you fly off…don't do this! I'll make it up to you…I swear…"

"You broke your promise," she said quietly, standing rigidly in his arms.

"I know I hurt you again," he said holding onto to her even tighter.

"You left me…again."

"I'll never leave you again."

"I know you won't," said Meredith. "Because I'm getting on a plane, now!"

"Where are you going? I'll come with you…I'll come after you I don't care where it is…"

"We had our last chance," she whispered tearfully. "We have to give up…you know we do."

"Please don't…" Derek begged as he clung onto her wrist as she tried to walk away. "I love you, I always have."

"I love you too," Meredith whispered as she kissed his cheek. "I always will."

"Then stay."

"I can't," she whispered.

"You can."

She shook her head as the tears fell from her eyes. "It's too late now…I'm sorry."

"Please don't…"

"It's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself," she whispered to him. "You'll move on and be happy…don't live a life of regret, okay?"

"I'll come after you…I'm not going to give up."

"You don't know where I'm going."

"So…I'll hire a private detective…find out what flights are leaving…"

"Dozens of flights leave here every hour," said Meredith. 

"You can't do this…"

"I have to," she said. She kissed his cheek and pulled away from him, but Derek held onto her wrist. "Let me go."

"No."

"Please Derek let me go, you have to let me go," Meredith begged unable to stop her tears from freely flowing from her eyes. "Don't make this harder…please let me go…please."

"I love you," he said desperately. "Remember I love you and you can come back anytime."

"I have to go," she whispered.

Derek released her wrist and could only watch helplessly as she passed through airport security and disappeared.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

"You okay, man?" Mark asked carefully. It had been ten minutes since Meredith had gone through the airport security, Derek had just stood leaning against the ferry boat wall studying the departure screens memorizing the flights that were leaving and the times.

"No," said Derek not taking his eyes off the screens. "I'm not okay…not by a long shot."

"You'll find her, she'll call or something. The two of you can't keep away from each other," said Mark not knowing what to say to him.

"Denver. She might have gone to Denver or Boston, she used to live in Boston…I could try Boston first," said Derek. "I need my passport and my credit card."

"You can't just go to Boston, you don't even know if that's where she's going," said Mark. "You can't just…you need a plan, a strategy or something."

"No I need Meredith!"

"You can't just jump on a plan to Denver!"

"She might have gone there!" Derek shouted.

"I didn't go to Denver," said Meredith gasping for breath since she had just ran from the departure lounge.

"Oh god are you staying this time or did you forget something?" said Mark.

"I'm staying."

"Then I'm leaving," said Mark. "Glad you changed your mind Grey."

"Thanks," said Meredith her eyes never leaving Derek.

"Call me later," said Mark walking towards the terminal exit.

"I'm sorry I walked away," said Meredith gazing intently at Derek who was watching her carefully. "Please say something."

"Don't ever do anything like that again," he said pulling her into his arms again. "Don't scare me like that, I thought you had gone."

"I couldn't," she said burying her head into his shoulder. "I couldn't breathe…I had to come back. I'm sorry."

"No I'm sorry," said Derek firmly. "I'm so sorry I said those terrible things, I didn't mean them I just…lashed out…I thought you were just playing with me, getting revenge…"

"I couldn't do something like that, I couldn't pretend for a year," said Meredith. "I love you."

"I know you couldn't," he said kissing the top of her head. "I love you too."

"I tried to see when you in hospital I sat outside your room for days, I was there when you started to wake up…they threw me out I wasn't allowed to see you…even the Chief said I couldn't see you because…"

"Because my loving family are manipulative liars," said Derek grimly.

"I couldn't even see you when you woke up, I tried I really did but…"

"Don't cry," said Derek clutching her tighter to him. "Come on, we've done enough of being miserable…can't we be happy now?"

"Bring the deadline two weeks forward?"

"I think a near death experience warrants it don't you think?"

"Yes," said Meredith taking her head off his shoulder. "No more deadline and no more dating!"

"About time," said Derek brushing his lips against hers.

"Come on I want a real kiss," said Meredith her lips still pressed against him. Derek was more than happy to oblige.

----------------------------------------

"Meredith," yawned Derek. They had booked in to a hotel the night before, but Derek had woken up to find Meredith gone. "Mer…"

"Coming," he heard her call from the bathroom. A minute later she came out dressed in a fluffy white dressing gown, her wet, hanging round her shoulders. "Good morning."

"Good morning," said Derek kissing her softly.

"Sleep well?"

"Yeah," said Derek smoothing down her hair. "I'm just going to jump in the shower."

"Okay," said Meredith. Something was not right, they hadn't had sex. They had spent the night in a hotel together and no sex! She was standing in front of his wearing only a bathrobe, that could easy come off with a slight tug…but no Derek was going for a shower. Alone!

"Won't be long." 

Derek got up went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Meredith decided she had had enough. She got up and went into the bathroom.

"I don't think I rinsed off my conditioner properly," she said sweetly. "Do you mind if I quickly do it?"

"Uh sure," said Derek. 

"Thanks," she said dropping her bathrobe and stepping in the shower. "I won't be a minute."

Derek stepped aside and let her under the shower, closing his eyes and slowly counting to three. After three he opened one eye, hoping that she was done. 

"Thanks that's me done," said Meredith not amused in the least that Derek had just stood there, they were naked in the shower together and he just stood there. 

"…Uh…okay…right…that's okay…"

"What the hell is the matter with you?" snapped Meredith.

"What did I do?"

"You're just standing there…doing nothing!"

"Your point?"

"In a shower…a hot shower…naked and you're standing there like…like a useless…man."

"You want to have sex?"

"Not anymore," she snapped.

"Wait," he said stopping her from getting out the shower. "I thought this was another of the time we 'take things slow'."

"When did I say that?"

"You didn't…I just assumed…when this happens you usually ban me from sex."

"Oh this is just like the rest of the times we broke up then?"

Derek could see this escalating into a full blown arguments. So he grabbed her wrists and twirled her round so that her back was pressing against the shower wall, he swooped down and started to feather kisses down her neck.

"If you wanted me that badly you should have just asked."

"You're an ass!"

"I know. I don't care," said Derek kissing her neck, making her squirm.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

"Do you know what day it is today?" asked Derek. They had been staying at the hotel in New York for two weeks, just enjoying being happy and together. Meredith was reading the newspaper in bed, wearing one of Derek's shirts. Derek was standing at the foot of the bed, having just come back from jogging.

"Tuesday," said Meredith barely glancing up.

"It's Thursday actually," said Derek pulling the newspaper from her hands.

"Hey give it back," she protested reaching out for the newspaper.

"You didn't answer my question, what is today?"

"Thursday."

"It's our deadline," said Derek irritated that she hadn't remembered.

"Is it?" said Meredith adding up the dates. "So it is."

"Is that it?"

"What?"

"We made it!" said Derek pulling Meredith onto her knees so that they were face to face. "A whole year!"

"I know," said Meredith not knowing what the big deal was.

"Why aren't you more excited?"

"Derek, we threw the deadline out after you chased me through the airport," giggled Meredith.

"I didn't chase you," said Derek.

"Maybe you should have," she said. "It would have been so much more dramatic."

"Next time I'll run."

"Next time?"

"There won't be a next time," Derek quickly reassured her. "If you think I'll even let you get as far as the check in…"

"Oh what you gonna do?" Meredith teased as she pulled her arms round Derek's neck.

"This," said Derek kissing her softly, then again. "As many times as it takes."

"Hmmmmm," said Meredith. "I could definitely get used to that."

"Good," said Derek, thinking about the diamond ring currently in his pocket.

"Your mother called again," said Meredith. Derek hadn't spoke to his family in two weeks, they called him and he ignored them. "Reception called up again."

"Okay," said Derek pulling away from her.

"Will you please just talk to her?" said Meredith knowing that Derek was due to clam up again.

"No," he said calmly.

"Derek they are your family," she said. "We're going home in two days, you need to see them."

"You're my family," said Derek stubbornly.

"So are they," said Meredith getting to her feet and standing behind him as he stood looking out the window over the city. "I spoke to Mark when you were jogging. Just let them apologise…especially your mother she didn't do anything…"

"She could have…"

"Derek, your mother was worried sick about when you were in hospital…she didn't care who saw you as long as you got better," said Meredith resting her head on his shoulder. 

"The way they treated you…"

"They love you. They thought they were protecting you," said Meredith lacing her fingers with him. "I can understand that."

"I'll call her," said Derek. "Come on I'm taking you for lunch to celebrate our deadline."

----------------------------------------

"How do you even know about this place?" Derek asked Meredith later on that day.

"Mark told me that Macy's had a bar in it, I had to see if it was true," said Meredith. "Tequila and shopping, it's amazing."

"Alright," laughed Derek. "Come on then I'll buy you a shot." He turned to towards the bar and turned back to Meredith. "What the hell are they doing here?"

Sitting at the table in front of the bar were Derek's four sisters and his mother.

"I'm sorry," said Meredith grabbing Derek's hand so he couldn't walk away. "I had to do something, I can't be the reason you won't speak to your family."

"You're not, they are. They are the reason," he said seriously.

"Please talk to them, just listen to what they have to say," she pleaded. "Please."

"No this isn't fair," said Derek a little less certainly.

"You're breaking your mother's heart," said Meredith quietly. "Mark's worried, she's going to make herself ill. Talk to them please, for me."

Derek lifted their hands and pressed a kiss to Meredith's hand. "Okay, I'll listen to them."

"Thank you," smiled Meredith relieved. "I'll leave you to it, and see you back at the hotel, okay?"

"Okay," said Derek immediately understanding why she didn't want to talk to them herself, even though she had set the whole thing up. "I love you."

"I love you too."

-----------------------------------------

"You're not thinking about running off again, are you?" said Derek. He and Meredith had just checked in, they were going back to Seattle. He had found Meredith standing in front of the ferry painting in JFK. He was still carrying the engagement ring in his pocket, waiting for the right time to ask her.

"Nice try. You don't get rid of me that easily," smiled Meredith.

"I hope not," said Derek wrapping his arms round her. "What are you doing?"

"Just thinking."

"About?"

"Nothing important," she said. "Did you talk to your mother?"

"Yes," sighed Derek. "I called her, told her we would come back for Christmas."

"Good," said Meredith pulling Derek's arms tighter round her.

"You really didn't have to make me talk to them."

"I know."

"I'm glad you did though," said Derek. 

"I love you," said Meredith. "I don't want you to lose your family over me."

"I know you don't," he said, turning her round to face him, he kissed her softly on the lips. "Marry me?

"What?"

"Marry me?" he repeated, as he pulled the velvet box from his pocket. He dropped down on one knee and took Meredith's hand in his. "I love you. I always have and I always will love you. You make me happier than I ever knew it was possible to be, and if you let me I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make you even half as happy you so make me. So Meredith will you marry?"

"Yes."


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23 **

TEN YEARS LATER

Derek Shepherd stood in the doorway of his bedroom, holding his six month old son Dylan. In the middle of the room was a large king size bed, holding four of the five people Derek loved most in the world, the fifth being the baby boy in his arms. His wife, Meredith and their three daughters were sprawled out on his bed. There had been a storm the night before and the kids had gotten scared by the thunder and the had crawled into bed with them.

Three months after he had proposed, Derek and Meredith had gotten married on the land in front of their closest friends and family. They had built their home and were raising their family there.

Sophie, their eldest daughter was eight years old. She had Derek's black hair and Meredith's gray eyes. She was the bossy one, she always liked to organize her sisters and make them play the games she wanted to play. Although she was only eight Derek could already tell that she was going to cost him a fortune when she went to college and she would there was no doubt about it. Sophie had inherited Meredith's competitive streak and Derek's stubbornness. She had stayed in the garden for seven hours when she was trying to learn how to ride her bike, she had refused to go inside until she could do it.

Then there was Alyssa, she was five and the spitting image of Meredith. She had blonde hair, big baby blue eyes and the ability to wrap Derek and Uncle Mark round her little finger. She had just started kindergarten and was so proud of herself when she read her very first book to Derek just the week before. Alyssa was much more volatile than her big sister, and was more likely to lash at out and hit Sophie when they got into an argument.

Then there was Keira, she was two and half. She also had her mother's coloring but Derek's features. She was slowly becoming less of a baby and more and more like a little person every day, she was just learning her colors and now had a habit of telling everyone the color of everything she could see. Out of all the girls Keira was the biggest Daddy's girl, even when Derek was at work she made Meredith call him whenever she hurt herself even if it was just a little bump, more than once Derek had been in the middle of a craniotomy when he had to stop to sing the wheels on the bus down the phone because Keira couldn't sleep.

And finally his wife, the love of life and his best friend. Derek would never know how she did it, she was an attending, one of the best at Seattle Grace, she was a wife and a mother. She never missed a single event in the children's life, every dance recital and parents evening she was there and yet somehow she never showed any sign that any of it wore her out.

"Should we risk waking them?" Derek whispered to the baby.

"Don't think that just because you have someone else on your team that you're not still outnumbered," mumbled Meredith starting to wake up.

"I know I am," laughed Derek softly as he went over to the bed and sat on the edge of it next to where Meredith lay, careful not to wake his daughters. "I've been outnumbered my whole life."

"As long as you're not corrupting my baby," said Meredith taking Dylan and sitting him on her lap. "Don't think I don't know where you took him last week."

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Derek innocently.

"You took him fishing," said Meredith.

"Only to the lake."

"He's only a baby."

"He is the youngest and the only boy," Derek protested. "That is very traumatic for a boy."

"Sure it is," said Meredith rolling her eyes.

"Do you remember a time when we could wake up and not be surrounded by our offspring?" said Derek looking round. They had a huge bed and yet he was perched on the side of it, scared to move in case he woke them.

"That was a long time ago," said Meredith looking round. "It's all your fault though."

"My fault?"

"Yes your fault," said Meredith resting her head on his shoulder. "They all want to come in here so Daddy can protect them from the storm."

"Oh please," laughed Derek. "You were holding on to me just as tight."

"Was not!"

"You were too," said Derek leaning down and kissing her. "At least I have some use."

"Other than getting me pregnant every other week."

"Yes," said Derek kissing her again. "Are we sure about the whole no more babies thing? You're so much fun when you're pregnant though…I've never had so much sex in my life…"

"Yes we're sure," said Meredith. After Dylan was born they had decided that he would be the last baby, Derek was booked in for a vasectomy the next day and he was not looking forward to it.

"But can't we use condoms," Derek pouted.

"Daddy what is a condom?" asked a sleepy Alyssa.

"Uh…it's…well…it's like…" Derek stuttered.

"You'll find out when you're older," said Meredith cutting off Derek's uncomfortable rambling.

"No she won't," said Derek quickly.

"Morning Daddy," said Keira who had awoken when she heard voices, she sat up and crawled into Derek's lap. "Mummy that's a pretty blue top."

"Well done," said Meredith, tickling Keira's stomach. She was wearing one of Derek's old blue shirts.

"Sophie taught me indigo too," said Keira proudly.

"Fuchsia too," said Sophie sitting up.

"That's nice," said Derek. "How about I make pancakes for breakfast?"

"Yaaayyy pancakes," cheered Alyssa.

"Can I have chocolate chip?" shouted Sophie trying to be heard over Alyssa's cheering.

"Banana…banana," shouted Keira.

"Anything you want," laughed Derek picking up Keira and Dylan. "Come on, let Mummy get some sleep."

"Bye Mummy," said Alyssa as she crawled over Meredith to follow Derek out of the room.

"Happily ever with Prince Charming and the brood of Mini McDreamies," muttered Meredith falling back into bed.


End file.
